7 Things (11/9-11/15).

1. D.C.
MD-BF and I had a great time last weekend. I don’t have many pics of D.C., mainly because we steered clear of all the monuments and memorial shit, as they were overpopulated with obnoxious children and their mullet-loving parents. I did however snap a few shots of these fun ladies, who were hanging outside of our hotel:

This one is spying on her friends:

And this one had a little too much fun Friday night:

2. Wednesday Night Supper Club, Resurrected.
This week Lady R., Jeannie, A.Rod and I decided to resurrect our Wednesday Night Supper Club… on a Monday. Our meal was a simple whole wheat pasta dish with red sauce and a melange of whatever veggies Jeannie and A.Rod had in the fridge. We of course had our signature garlic bread and a bottle or two of red. For our movie, we decided to get nostalgic for the 90’s and watch Dick Tracy. I remember being big into D.T. as a child. My favorite character was The Brow:

I think I was a fan because my dad used to get a brow every time he took off his glasses. When the movie first came out I remember being disappointed because The Brow bit it in the very first scene. This time around, eighteen years later (eek!), I still wasn’t impressed. All though Jeannie thought the movie had the most “Saturation [of color] she had seen in years,” we all sort of agreed that Madonna can’t really sing.

3. MD-BF Goes LCB-HDTV!
It finally worked! After month of whispering subliminal messages to him while he slept, my BF got a new flat screen TV:

Now I can go back to whispering about the other thing I want him to buy, my Stanley:

4. My Latest Obsession:
iPhone Scrabble.

I haven’t even finished reading my last two issues of Entertainment Weekly because now all of my precious subway time is now spent trying to get Bingoes. (A bingo is when you lay all seven letters down on the board at once.) So far, I’ve gotten three. I also like trying to play dirty words. For the record, you can use “poon” and “taint,” but not “cunt.”

5. Raul!
This week I went with my (MD)BF to see my other BF (Raul) in Speed the Plow.

He had to be kind of un-sexy and disheveled in the first act, which was a bit disappointing (and a true testament to how good of an actor really he is.) But don’t worry, by act three he was back to being suave and muy caliente. Good looks aside, he could also act circles around the two TV “stars” that he was forced to share the stage with.

6. ANTM.
Okay, I think it’s pretty obvious that McKey is the only one left at this point with even a fraction of the talent that it should take to win this Pony Show. However, let me remind you that this is America’s Next Top Model and that they rarely pick a deserving winner. (Hello, Whitney and Mushroom Head.) A few weeks back I started getting a sneaking suspicion that they were pimping this clown to be this cycle’s unemployable “winner:”

Ugly-pretty? Or just Pretty-annoying?

7. Top Chef.
Yay! Now that we are living in a Project Runway-less world, I am glad to have my Padma & Co. back.

None of the contests really struck me as lovable or loathable just yet. But don’t worry, once I start passing judgment, you’ll be the first to know. That being said, this contestant did stick out to me as being a very convincing drag queen version of Daryl Hannah:

Feeling Bloggy.

I’m feeling extra bloggy this week. Don’t know why. I’m gonna be out of town this weekend, so you’re getting your “7 Things” post early. You’re welcome.

1. President Obama.

I know the election was very exciting for many people… I just didn’t happen to be one of them. For me, it’s sort of like the Super Bowl. Sure, if you want to throw a party with plenty free food and beer, I’ll come watch. But if not, I’ll be just as content reading tomorrow’s headline to see who won. (Although, at least with politics, I know which side I’m rooting for.)

That being said, I have to admit that I did feel a jolt of excitement when pulling on the old-fashioned lever in the voting booth yesterday. (Yay for Brooklyn not updating to electronic voting booths yet!) Also, I’d have to be pretty apathetic not to feel anything as people starting hootin’ & hollerin’ in the streets last night as Obama was projected the winner.

However, any elation that I might have experienced last night was immediately quashed this morning when I found out about this…

2. Yes On Prop 8.

For someone who doesn’t feel very passionate about politics, this makes my blood boil. I’m glad America can finally elect a black president. Look, we’re progressive! Except when it comes to giving us fags a little equality.

I never really gave gay marriage that much thought before. But then again, I was never in a serious relationship before either. I still don’t want to get married (the church would burn down and I don’t look good in white.) But I hate, hate, hate that someone is telling me I can’t do it, even if I wanted to.

3. Speaking of Fags, Part I.

I guess this shirt could be for straights too. But when I wear it, it’s definitely faggy. Either way, isn’t it a delight? Dirty Uncle Noah sent to me for “Hallowieners.” Brilliant. I put it on for my BF the other night, but I had to explain the joke to him… which kind of killed it.

4. Speaking of Fags, Part II.

I found this image when doing a Google image search for “Prop 8.” If anyone wants to do some early Christmas shopping for me, please find me this book! It would be a prefect bookshelf companion for my “Sometime Mommy Drinks Too Much” book.

5. It’s Officially Christmas Already.

In other Starbucks News, they now have a Gold Card. It’s a $25 yearly membership that gives you 10% off all of your coffee purchases. Considering I spend about $25 a week on coffee, buying this stupid thing would save me at least $100. It also gives you 2 free hours a day of internet access, which is good for my e-mail addiction, but a bad distraction for when I go there to write. MD-BF of course bought one first thing this morning. I might try and hold off on joining until they can offer me a reserved table during peak hours.

6. Piracy.
I got a letter from my cable/internet company yesterday claiming that I, or someone who has access to my cable/internet connection has been downloading illegal materials. They claimed that I some how pirated this movie:

Um, I don’t think so.

7. My One Woman Show.
I finished my official first draft today. Unofficially, there have already been about 100+ drafts. But this is the first one where it’s finally put together enough that I feel comfortable sharing it with some fellow comedians/comediennes that I e-mailed today, begging for their feedback.

Since this is a one woman show, I’m gonna need some wigs. If anyone has the following wigs for loan, please let me know ASAP:

And although I don’t think this wig fits any of my characters, I still want it:

Down tiger!

Anniversaries!

1. One Year Anniversary of Being Meat Free!

Last week I was so busy de-Cleansing that I forgot to mention I had my one year anniversary of being a fish-atarian. The last meat party that took place in my mouth was the night before my 1st bout of the Cleanse. Chicken fingers from Whole Foods. Not very memorable, but then again, I wasn’t planning on becoming meat free afterward. It just happened.

During Master Cleanse V2.0 I started craving meat and thought that I might return to my carnivorous roots. But now that I’m done starving myself, the smell of bacon does absolutely nothing for me. Looks like I’m back to ruining Christmas dinner for mom again this year.

2. Six Month Anniversary with MD-BF!

We booked a last minute trip to D.C. to celebrate. Hopefully, we’ll be celebrating our new President too. Otherwise, the whole weekend will most likely be ruined.

7 Things (10/26-11/1).

1. The Master Cleanse.
Sorry I haven’t posted on here in awhile.  I was too busy starving myself and blogging over here.  The good news is that the Master Cleanse is over.  Forever. The even good-er news is that you’ll never have to read about the contents of my colon again.  It’s a win-win for both of us.

2. Benefits of the Cleanse, Part I.
It did wonders for my allergies and sinuses.  The last time I went for a run (pre-cleanse) I was very short of breath and almost asthmatic.  For my first post-Cleanse run I kicked some ass.  I ran all of Central Park… that’s 6.5 miles in just under 55 minutes.  If only the former, 30 plus pounds, grade school version of myself could see me now!

3. Benefits of the Cleanse, Part II.
Besides 100+ lemons and three bottles of expensive organic maple syrup, I didn’t spend any money on food for 10 days.  An even bigger miracle… no money spent on coffee or booze.  Thanks to the Cleanse, I was able to transfer a serious chunk of change into my savings account.  I’ve set a goal for myself to have X amount of money in my savings by the end of the year.  Currently, I’m ¾ of the way there.   It’s nice to have money saved up… especially when you already know what you’re going to spend it on: Plane tickets.

For much of 2009 I’m going to be touring the US. So far I have:

1. Trip home for my sister’s wedding(!)
2. (Possibly separate) trip home for my BF to meet the rents.
3. Trip to San Antonio to meet the BF’s rents.
4. Possible gay-cation/winter-get-away to Florida.

And most importantly…

5. Trip with the BF to Dollywood. Yes, DOLLYWOOD!!!

4. Work.
They’re downsizing before the end of the year.  The good news: I’m not losing my job.  The bad news: I’m not losing my job.

5. Married Life.
I’m enjoying it immensely, thank you.  Last weekend I baked an apple pie:

And the BF taught me how to sew.  You see, the BF hosted a Martyr Party for All Saints Day, and I decided that instead of spending $50 on a stupid costume that I would only wear once, I should just make one from scratch.  Well after a trip to Mood, Broadway Fabrics, Pearl Paint, Lee’s Art Store, and American Apparel… I ended up spending $50 anyway.  But at least my costume was handmade with love (and a little frustration.)  Much better than buying something from Ricky’s that has been handmade by slave children in Malaysia.

6. Martyr Party.
I went as Joan of Arc burning at the stake, because after all, I have the hair for it.  Ironically enough, I don’t have any pics of my fabulous Joan hair.   Thankfully, I happened to take these two pics while getting ready in the bathroom… before I consumed too much wine and ate my weight in baked brie.

7. Stylista.
Every year the CW has some shitty new reality show that is so bad, it never gets another season.  (Yes, I’m looking at you, Crowned: The Mother of All Pageants.)  And every year, I get sucked into watching it.  When I first saw the promos for Stylista I said to myself, “This is going to be the year that I break the cycle!”  But then my BF, who made fun of me for watching the first episode of that other CW Crapfest: 90210 (out of morbid curiosity, I swear), decided to DVR it.  And of course, now that I’ve seen one episode, I have to watch them all.

The only person more unlikeable than the brainlessly bland contestants, is this botoxed cow:

I don’t hate her as much as I hate Rachel Zoe.  But then again, that’s like saying I don’t hate 9/11 as much as I hate the Holocaust.

Master Cleanse!!!

Yes, I’ve completely lost my mind again I decided to do the Master Cleanse again.

Which means that I won’t be blogging over here for the next two weeks. Instead, I’ll be here. (Click on the link only if you like reading about poop.)

The Story of My Life?

So I was checking out my blog stats on wordpress, and someone googled the following phrase and got linked to blog:

“Dad’s friend raped me and gave me a baby.”

Yikes!

7 Things (10/6-10/12).

1. Things I Did Get Done On My “To Do List” Today.
*Work on rewrites for One Woman Show
*Set up blog for Master Cleanse V2.0
*Buy shitload of lemons and limes for M.C. V2.0
*Go for a run

2. Things I Didn’t Get Done On My “To Do List” Today.
*More shoe shopping
*Make mega-gay workout mix for MD-BF
*Call home
*Do something about my cellphone

3. Cellphone.
I dropped my cellphone in the toilet yesterday. And yes, I was sober. The good news is that wasn’t any piss in the toilet yet. The bad news is that there was toilet water in the toilet and now my phone doesn’t work. I hope you haven’t been trying to call or text me.

4. Wig Out!

If you can still get tickets, I highly recommend this show. Is it the best piece of theater ever? No. Is the runway show that happens at the beginning of the second act the best thing I’ve seen in a while? Yes. It also helped that for the sound design, they seemed to have hijacked my iPod. Beyonce, Solange, DC3, J.Hud… I was in Black Diva Heaven!

5. New Character?
At the performance of Wig Out! that MD-BF and I saw, we spotted a new character for my One Woman Show:

The theater seats were raked, expect for the onstage seats where she was sitting. The poor gays behind her had to crank their necks through out the entire show. If she had painted her face blue, she would have looked just like Papa Smurf.

6. ANTM.

So long Robo-Christina Aguilera. You did a good job falling up those stairs!

7. Project Runway.
While I’m thankful that I don’t have to see this walk down the runway at the finale:

And that Cuntley will be sticking around to add some much needed drama:

I am most thankful that my girl Korto will still be representing:

Praise Jesus!

Random Thought of the Week.

If you put a gun to my head and told me I had to see one of the following movies:

I’d probably just let you pull the trigger.

7 Things (9/28-10/5).

1. My One Woman Show.
It’s going great, thanks for asking. I finally have a first draft on all my characters, which means that now all I have left to endure is a million rewrites. The deadline for a November performance is just a few days away. I could probably scrap together a final draft in time, but instead I’ve decided to wait one more month. After all, what’s one more month on top of the six that I’ve already waited?

2. Master Cleanse V2.0.
Only 7 days until I foolishly start Version 2.0 of the Master Cleanse. I’m half excited, half scared. To help myself mentally prepare I’ve 1.) Cut down my coffee intake to one grande Misto a day. 2.) Stopped stress eating at work. And 3.) Started drinking two liters of water a day… just so I can used to the pissing schedule that I’ll be on soon.

3. Shopping Like There’s No Tomorrow… Or No Such Thing As Credit Card Debt.
This weekend I set up an appointment with my personal stylist (my BF) to help me spend some birthday money on a few new items for my fall/winter wardrobe. Trying to be a good boy, I only had three things on my shopping list: A new winter coat, black dress shoes, and shit-kicker boots. However, the birthday money only covered about one shit-kicker… so Momma ended up dipping into her personal savings a little bit.

And then some…

Since I only found two of the three items on my list (winter coat and shit-kickers) I allowed myself a few other (un)needed purchases. Besides stopping into an H&M in search of a single t-shirt and leaving with a giant shopping bag and one less Benjamin Franklin… I also purchased a second jacket at the Army Navy store, that I had no good reasoning for buying other than the fact that it “fit me so well,” quoth my BF. Thank god October is a three paycheck month a work.

4. Running.
Two weeks ago, while watching an episode of The Biggest Loser (yes, I have no shame when it comes to reality TV…) I suffered a brain hemorrhage and got the crazy idea in my head to sign up for a half marathon. I was one credit card transaction away from committing, when thankfully, I came to my senses and decided to sleep on it for a night. While I have been good at keeping up a pretty consistent running routine these past 6 months, I seemed to have forgotten that I only run 5 miles at a time… not 13.5 miles. While I would someday like to work up to 13.5 miles, the half marathon would have been this Saturday, and me thinks that would have been a little bit too soon. Instead, I am happy to report that they only running I did this Saturday, was the running of errands.

5. Latest iTunes Obsession.
A few weeks ago MD-BF and I were enjoying a Inspector Lynley Mystery on PBS and every time they went to commercial, we were invited to join Carole King In Her Living Room. Since then, I haven’t been able to get Ms. King out of my head. I finally downloaded her Greatest Hits on iTunes, which means that I’ve officially turned into a lesbian. It’s like she invited herself into the living room inside my brain and she won’t stop playing this song:

6. Top Model.
Okay, so this photo is actually from last week’s episode, but I didn’t find until this week. And since it’s quite possible my Favorite. Moment. In. Top. Model. History… I simply have to post it:

She’s hoping the earrings draw attention away from her penis.

7. Project Runway.
Kunt-ley.

At this point, I hate her so much that I’m back to loving her.

An 8th Thing…

Yes, I’m Gay?

No shit, Shirley. You look like a big old dyke here with your alien test tube baby.