Getting Thrifty on Thrifting.

While most people do their day-after-Christmas-shopping at department stores, hoping for slashed prices on coffee makers and vacuum accessories… I hit up my favorite thrift stores, hoping for slashed prices on porcelain reindeer and Hannah Montana Christmas cards.

Okay, so I actually didn’t buy any 75%-off Christmas crap. In fact, believe it or not, I hardly bought anything. Normally when I visit MN, I arrive with one suitcase and leave with two. (The second being entirely filled with kitsch.)

However this year, thanks to the economic crisis and the fact that airlines are raping my wallet even more by charging for each suitcase that is checked (thank god a pressurized cabin is still free!), I’m cutting down on the kitsch. Single tear, I know.

I’m sad to report that I passed on a lot of great items that I normally would have snatched up. (The homoerotic Ken dolls; the Crystal Gayle records; the crazy-eyed, light-up Easter bunny…)

Instead, I stuck to the items that really spoke to me:

Praying Boy, $3.80

Perhaps it was my Catholic guilt that made me buy him, but I thought he’d look good in my bedroom. That way, at least someone is trying to save my soul as I lay me down to sleep at night.

Naked Girl Brushing Hair (Framed), $3.99

This is totally going up in my bathroom. In fact, it might as well be a mirror, because that’s exactly how I brush my hair in the morning too.

Green Vintage Women’s(?) Handbag, $2.99

Because I’m always looking for ways to make myself look gay-er.

I still have 4 days left here in MN, and a lot of free time on my hands. But I’m going to try and refrain from any more thrifting. Instead, I’m just gonna lock myself in my old bedroom and brake out into a cold sweat from thinking about that vase made entirely of ashtrays that I left behind on the shelf at the Salvation Army.

7 Things (11/30-12/6).

1. Xmas Shopping (For Others.)
Usually, I save all my Xmas shopping until the very last minute. And then, when I do finally start, I’m just buying things for myself. This year, I am proud to say that I set a new precedent. On Wednesday I went on a six-hour shopping spree and only bought presents for other people. I was able to cross off about half on my list. (And that made the O.C.D. part of my brain very happy.) Afterward, I partook in my favorite post-shopping activity: drinking. Beer helps to dull the mind and stop you from thinking about how much money you just put on your credit card.

2. Xmas Shopping (For Myself.)
After all that shopping for others, I decided to reward myself this weekend by shopping for me. I know this is horrible to say, but I for one don’t mind that the economy is in the shitter right now… because as a result, there are some really great sales out there! Seriously people, in the spirit of turning lemons in to lemonade, you can turn this economic crisis into a fabulous shopping spree. Under the guidance of my Fashionista-BF, I got a poofy winter jacket, a new raincoat and a multicolored stripped jersey pullover, all half-off at Triple 5 Soul. Then, because with my BF, once you shop you can’t stop… we made our way over to some SoHo sample sale where I got a lovely stripped cardigan, another stripe-y jersey pullover (stripes are in this year, you heard it here first) and a plaid dress shirt all at 70% off. Grand total spent: $321.06. Grand total saved: $375.57. I could feel bad about all the money shelled out, but I’ve decided that when you save more then spend, there should be no guilt involved.

3. Proof I’ve Been Spending Too Much.
Even though I’ve been dropping it like it is hot lately, I still look to cut even the smallest of corners whenever possible. One way I do this is by purchasing theater tickets at the box office instead of online. That way, I don’t have to pay the $5 processing fee that it apparently cost the theater to cover it’s internet bill.

After spending the majority of my Friday indoors (writing, interneting, and worrying about the state of my mental health…) I got off my ass, went for a run, and cleaned myself up real nice. By the time I got down to 42nd Street to pick up tickets (for The Cripple of Inishmaan), I was feeling pretty good. Helping my mood elevation, was the flirty box office attendant. Just as I was telling myself “You’ve still got it, Kiddo!” Flirty McGee told me that my credit card had declined. Jigga, what? I put the tickets on my debt card and made a hostile phone call to my credit company.

Turns out that they were just implementing a little credit card fraud protection, due to all the recent online transactions that had popped up on my bill. I wanted to explain to them it was the holidays, and that yes, people do tend to spend more money around this time of year. However, seeing as my phone call was outsourced to India, I saved my breath and confirmed that yes indeed, I really did spend all that money on iTunes updating my Christmas music.

4. But Baby, It’s Cold Outside.
I went for my first winter run this week. It wasn’t too bad thanks to the Spiderman pants that MD-BF bought for me after I finished the dreaded Master Cleanse:

My Spidey senses were tingling in a good way, and not from hypothermia!

5. Movie Recommendation.
Happy-Go-Lucky.
Besides Sally Hawkins being totally adorable, I highly recommend this movie because it made me feel slightly less insecure about the fact that I’m almost 30 and I’ve accomplished absolutely nothing in terms of being “successful.” It reminded me that it’s okay to have fun and just enjoy life. And also, that I’m very lucky to have the freedom to do so. Sigh. It’s worth $12 to feel that way for 90 minutes, right?

6. TV Recommendation.
Dancing With Dogs on Animal Planet.
Seriously, this show is the shit. It’s just like Best In Show. Only real. And with dancing.

7. Top Chef.
I’m making this prediction in the hopes that I’m proven wrong, but it seems to me that Final Three is destined to be:

All of the other chefs are being pretty much ignored by the editors so far this season. Seriously, can you name (or even picture any) of the other contestants? They only ones that stick out in my head are because of some quirky personality trait they posses, and not because of their cooking skills…

Big Time Dyke:

Wacky Hair Lady:

Jersey Mom:

Okay, to be fair to Jersey Mom, her (sucky) cooking skills also make her stand out.

All I Want For Xmas Is…

1. Poofy Jacket.

2. Hipster Cardigan.

3. Kenneth Cole Boots.

4. Running-in-Winter Jacket.

5. Pilates Classes / Workout Gear / Room Full of Giant Balls.

6. Influences by the Olsen Twins.

7. Tickets to 9 to 5: The Musical.

8. Tickets to Liza at the Palace.

9. Snuggie!
(Thanks to Dirty Uncle Noah for finding this vid and posting it on his blog first.)

10. The Ability to Learn This Choreography.

And, as always…

11. Stanley!

But the one thing you don’t need to buy me this year (because I already bought it for myself) is this:

Best $10 ever spent on eBay!

7 Things (9/28-10/5).

1. My One Woman Show.
It’s going great, thanks for asking. I finally have a first draft on all my characters, which means that now all I have left to endure is a million rewrites. The deadline for a November performance is just a few days away. I could probably scrap together a final draft in time, but instead I’ve decided to wait one more month. After all, what’s one more month on top of the six that I’ve already waited?

2. Master Cleanse V2.0.
Only 7 days until I foolishly start Version 2.0 of the Master Cleanse. I’m half excited, half scared. To help myself mentally prepare I’ve 1.) Cut down my coffee intake to one grande Misto a day. 2.) Stopped stress eating at work. And 3.) Started drinking two liters of water a day… just so I can used to the pissing schedule that I’ll be on soon.

3. Shopping Like There’s No Tomorrow… Or No Such Thing As Credit Card Debt.
This weekend I set up an appointment with my personal stylist (my BF) to help me spend some birthday money on a few new items for my fall/winter wardrobe. Trying to be a good boy, I only had three things on my shopping list: A new winter coat, black dress shoes, and shit-kicker boots. However, the birthday money only covered about one shit-kicker… so Momma ended up dipping into her personal savings a little bit.

And then some…

Since I only found two of the three items on my list (winter coat and shit-kickers) I allowed myself a few other (un)needed purchases. Besides stopping into an H&M in search of a single t-shirt and leaving with a giant shopping bag and one less Benjamin Franklin… I also purchased a second jacket at the Army Navy store, that I had no good reasoning for buying other than the fact that it “fit me so well,” quoth my BF. Thank god October is a three paycheck month a work.

4. Running.
Two weeks ago, while watching an episode of The Biggest Loser (yes, I have no shame when it comes to reality TV…) I suffered a brain hemorrhage and got the crazy idea in my head to sign up for a half marathon. I was one credit card transaction away from committing, when thankfully, I came to my senses and decided to sleep on it for a night. While I have been good at keeping up a pretty consistent running routine these past 6 months, I seemed to have forgotten that I only run 5 miles at a time… not 13.5 miles. While I would someday like to work up to 13.5 miles, the half marathon would have been this Saturday, and me thinks that would have been a little bit too soon. Instead, I am happy to report that they only running I did this Saturday, was the running of errands.

5. Latest iTunes Obsession.
A few weeks ago MD-BF and I were enjoying a Inspector Lynley Mystery on PBS and every time they went to commercial, we were invited to join Carole King In Her Living Room. Since then, I haven’t been able to get Ms. King out of my head. I finally downloaded her Greatest Hits on iTunes, which means that I’ve officially turned into a lesbian. It’s like she invited herself into the living room inside my brain and she won’t stop playing this song:

6. Top Model.
Okay, so this photo is actually from last week’s episode, but I didn’t find until this week. And since it’s quite possible my Favorite. Moment. In. Top. Model. History… I simply have to post it:

She’s hoping the earrings draw attention away from her penis.

7. Project Runway.
Kunt-ley.

At this point, I hate her so much that I’m back to loving her.

7 Things (9/7-9/13).

1. Last Week.
I missed out on my “7 Things” post. Here are seven words to bring you up to date: Faggot. Reality-TV. Hair. Disgruntled. Margaritas. Sassafrass. Stella!

2. Coffee.
My addiction grows. Last month, Starbucks (my enabler) had its “$2 after 2pm” deal. Buy any coffee before 2pm, get any grande iced coffee for only $2 after 2pm. I can’t believe I fell for such an obvious marketing trap. But, before I knew it, I couldn’t make it through my workday afternoon without my grande iced vanilla latte (full fat, none of this Chelsea-queen, sugar free, super-skinny, milked from an organic cow crap.) However, at the beginning of this month, just after they conditioned my body to start going through caffeine withdrawal at the stroke of 2pm… Starbucks pulled the plug on their deal.

Instead of spending the full price on my afternoon fix, I decided to compensate by doubling up on my morning Mistos. That worked out for a week… until the dark lord of Starbucks decided to bring back the “$2 after 2pm” deal. You’d think that’d be good news, right? Wrong. For the past two days I’ve exhibited absolutely no self-control by treating myself to two morning Mistos and an afternoon latte. That means that I am spending $7.27 a day at Starbucks. I might as well go back to smoking a pack a day at this point. At least I would be saving myself some money!

3. Running.
Usually, it’s around this time of year that I grow tried of running and decided to let my legs hibernate until the spring. However, now that I’ve traded the streets of Brooklyn for Central Park as my running track, I’m still going strong. (Streets of Brooklyn equals broken glass and mocking gansta’ teens, vs. Central Park which equals a plethora of green foliage and sweaty man-candy for my eyes. You do the math.) Last summer I worked on extending the length of my run, reaching 10 miles. This summer I’ve been working on speed. My goal is to complete my regular 4.5-ish mile run in 30 minutes. Two Wednesdays ago, motivated by the fact that “Top Model” was premiering that night, I finished in 33 minutes. Last Tuesday, I clocked in at 32 minutes, knowing that my honey was waiting for me at home with a pitcher of margaritas. I didn’t set any new record’s on yesterday’s run. However, I still managed to tear it up running around the Jackie Onassis reservoir, thanks to my secret weapon of Friday’s midnight snack of deep-fried mac & cheese at BAMN!,

4. Work.
I went back down to working 4 days a week! With my extra day off I hope to work more on my show, start yoga classes, finish decorating my apartment, do some crafting projects, bake cookies… or you know, just sleep in and watch a bunch of TV.

5. Birthday Presents!!!
My birthday is still a week away, and yet, the presents have already started rolling in. Last week I received a package from Amazon, which I thought was strange since I didn’t order anything from them. Also strange, my middle name was misspelled. (Douglass.) Somehow, I immediately knew that the package was from the mysterious Mr. Warren and that it would have something to do with nude men. Sure enough, this is what Noah sent me.

MD-BF also gave me my birthday present this week, as he was buying me new glasses and Lenscrafters had a sale that was ending on Saturday. My last pair of glasses were from college, and while the frames are cool, they’re too narrow for my enormous, round face. With MD-BF’s passion for fashion, we decided that these awesome frames were a much better fit.

And of course, I already started buying presents for myself. Normally, I hate shopping in SoHo because trendy = expensive. However, I happened to find a little boutique that had 50% off men’s clothes. I managed walk away with long sleeve shirt and a new fall jacket that actually fit my giant (length, not girth) arms!

6. America’s Next Top Model!
So far I’m voting rooting for:

Lesbianic Elina.

Black Fran Drescher.

Hoochie Ghetto Asian.

And of course…

Tranny Isis.

7. Project Runway!

I’m so sad for my girl Terri. Sure she was a little cocky, but I thought she had the talent to back it up. My inside sources tell me that the 6 remaining designers were all at Bryant Park, which means that “the Suede” and Joe got to show. Ugh. What were you thinking Heidi?

The only redeeming part of this last episode was that this happened:

So bad it’s good!

Beach Day.

The original plan for today was for me to do a half day at work, so that I could join MD-BF and his sis (in town from TX) to go upstate and dine at the C.I.A.

Unfortunately, MD-BF’s sis had to cancel her trip at the last minute. So instead of going upstate to eat, MD-BF decided to use the day to go upstate and clean out his storage space. As soon as MD-BF explained that he would be donating his unwanted goods to the local Goodwill and Sally Army, I immediately volunteered to take the entire day off so that I could “help” him.

When MD-BF texted me at work yesterday to suggest that we go to the beach instead of a storage facility, I happily agreed (once of course I got over the initial shock of my precious thrifting being taken away from me.)

Although I just had a four day weekend last week, I decided that I needed another extended holiday. When I am at work, I bust my balls. In fact, I’ve busted them so hard the past few weeks, that I don’t think I can have kids anymore. So don’t a deserve a little something as reward?

Or a big something… Like the brand new 26″ Widescreen Flat-Panel HDTV/DVD Combo I bought myself this morning. (MD-BF had a rental car for the day… Brooklyn just happened to be on the way to Long Beach… I had all this extra OT $$$ on my paycheck… My birthday is coming up… It’s Friday… I had a million good reasons to buy this TV, okay?)

After we dropped of my new lover TV at my apartment, MD-BF and I drove off to Long Beach so that I could get back my Miami tan (minus the hideous sunburn.)

While Long Beach is not quite as picturesque as Miami Beach, it’s at least a step up from Coney Island Beach (which doesn’t take much.) Instead of being covered with garbage, Long Beach is littered with translucent (dead) jellyfish that look like silicone breast implants.

I guess along the boardwalk there was a little bit of garbage. But as they say in the world of garage sales and thrift stores, “One man’s junk is another man’s treasure.” Truer words have never been spoken.

MD-BF wrestled a small child found this Cinderella doll in the sand. We had fun playing Top Model with her.

Here’s Cindy getting her seaweed wrap.

I spotted this baby that had it’s head smashed in by a brick. I considered rescuing her and bringing her down to the beach. But in the end, I didn’t want to mess up the tan lines she was working on getting rid of.

Here’s me almost flashing the whole beach as I tried the old changing-under-the-towel trick.

While I didn’t get to thrift today… I still had a pretty sweet day. Of course, I didn’t have to work today either. So really, I could have done absolutely anything, and I would have considered it “pretty sweet.”

Wish List.

My B’day is exactly one month away. It’s never too early to start your shopping, right?

And no, I am not referring to the shopping that I expect other people to do for me. Instead, I’m referring to the horrible habit I have of buying myself a bunch of “presents” in the name of my own birthday.

Here’s my wish list so far:

Stressin’ & Listin’.

Please forgive me dear readers for the lack of posts recently. My stress levels are at an all time high right now. Apartment hunting in NYC is not something that I would wish on my own worst enemies. Actually… I probably would wish it upon them. I’m spiteful like that.

In fear of jinxing myself, I don’t want to actually post about my apartment hunt until it’s finished. Which better be soon. I don’t think my heart can palpated much faster.

One thing that always makes me feel better and more in control (besides cleaning) is listing.

I have so much to do right now, but so little time. This weekend the gang is off to Mary Land. Which is delightful. And terrifying. I would like to have everything wrapped up before we leave on Friday, but the chances of that happening are slim to never.

Looks like I’ll be forced to make two lists:

THINGS TO DO BY THE END OF TODAY
*Laundry
*Buy sleeping bag (we’re camping at Mary Land)
*Buy air mattress (I’ll be damned if I’m sleeping on the ground)
*Buy new digital camera
*Buy more flip-flops at H&M
*Spend more money that I shouldn’t be spending
*Make playlist for car ride down to Mary Land
*Pack for Mary Land (I’m spending the next two nights at the Good D’s)
*Pack for spending the next two nights at the Good D’s

THINGS I NEED TO DO BY THE END OF THE MONTH
*Find an apartment
*Find a roommate
*Finish all the backlogged episodes of BSG in my DVR
*Pack everything I own
*Move everything I own
*Unpack everything I own
*Not kill myself

Uncle Sam, Sugar Daddy. Me, Clotheshorse.

This spring I was very careful with my money:

1. I didn’t spend my tax refund (not that there was much to be spent…)
2. I didn’t spend the extra paycheck that I got in May.
3. I (almost) didn’t spend any of the money that we won in court from not paying rent to our slum landlord (hello, new iPod!)
4. I set up a savings account.
5. I spent most of my weekends at work or at home being lame (which wasn’t always a conscience decision…)

So last week when the government finally sent me my $600 rebate check, I decided that it was time to get back to being irresponsible with my money. Summer tends to be the most expensive season anyhow, so why not embrace it?

I already had a few items in mind for Uncle Sammy to buy me:
1. New camera.
2. New glasses.
3. New messenger bag.

However, after last week’s $240 spending spree on dress clothes (to wear when the Good Doctor takes me out to wine&dine me…) I knew that not everything on that list was going to make the final cut.

Did I really need new glasses? I mean, I only wear them at night. Why not spend my rebate on stuff that I can wear during the day? Like more clothes!

Last Wednesday (with the Good Doctor in tow) I went H&M to pick out some new summer clothes. 80-some dollars later, I found myself the proud owner of a pair of green bermuda shorts; a pair of dressier, gray checkered shorts; a dark green, jungle print tank top(!); a gray dress shirt; and a pair of sunglasses.

And since I never wear sunglasses, when I found myself wanting to purchase them I knew that it was time to step away from the sales floor and high tail it to the register. It was a sure sign that my sickness had taken over, and I was now buying things just to feed the addiction.

Not helping my addiction was the Good Doctor himself. Saturday afternoon he took me to Barney’s. I had never been before. I now know why. It’s 4 floors of really nice looking things that I can’t afford. I had mentioned that I needed new jeans. And perhaps an overnight bag, since the H&M shopping bag that I had been using when I spend the night at his place wasn’t really catching on with the Hipsters like I thought it might.

Unfortunately, I found both jeans and a bag. The Good D. offered to buy one of them for me, but I (foolishly?) refused. Seeing as he had taken me out for a fancy dinner the night before, and all I did was pay for our $12 breakfast the next morning, it didn’t feel right.

Had I been smart, I only would have bought one thing. But the jeans were on sale, and I fell in love with the bag. Without giving myself enough time to think about what I was doing, I handed my credit card over to the cashier.

Goodbye, messenger bag. Goodbye, camera.

My shopping totals for the past week had maxed out at $600. But before I did this math, I stopped by the American Apparel near Dr. D’s apartment and bought a red tank top. A.) Because it was 94 degrees out, and B.) Because I’ve decided I’m wearing tank tops this summer.

After my Week of Careless Spending, I’ve promised myself that I wouldn’t buy anymore clothes this month. But sadly, I already know that it’s a promise I probably won’t be able to keep.

Today however, to fool myself into thinking that the new clothes were still pouring in, I began cutting up old jeans into shorts. It’s one of my favorite tricks to play on myself this time of year.

Now if only there was a way to make a new digital camera out of the extra scraps of jeans lying on my floor…

Updates, Part III: Straight Date.

Saturday night Jeannie and I tasted a slice of posh NYC life. With the Good Doctor being out of town for the weekend, he wasn’t able to use his two tickets to the NYC Ballet, so he left them to me.

The plan was for Jeanne to meet me at Dr. D’s apartment at 6:30pm. I was stuck working that day, but I managed to get out a few hours early so that I could go shopping. As much as I hate dressing up, I was determined not to wear jeans to the ballet.

I hate dress clothes for a number of reasons: 1.) They remind me of my high school uniform. 2.) They remind me of when I had to wear khakis to a job I absolutely detested. 3.) They never fit me properly.

After trying on a bunch of Calvin Klein pants in the dressing room at Macy’s, I almost had a mental breakdown. When I used to wear dress pants, I would always buy one size too big, so that they would sag a bit and appear longer. But that’s not a very flattering look for my non-existent ass. This time around, I was determined to buy pants that hug my bony behind.

Believe it or not, I’m a size 34w. And yes, I’m proud of my birthing hips. I brought some 33w’s into the dressing room with me, hoping that I could sausage myself into them. I couldn’t. When I tried on the 34w’s it made my crotchal region look rather boxy. And to top it all off, some thug walked into my dressing room, because apparently a closed door stands for “unoccupied.”

After holding back tears of frustration, and cursing the mailman for giving me his tall genes (unlike the rest of my short-to-normal-sized family), I left the dressing room ready to give up. But then I thought of Jeannie. Without revealing where we were going, I told her to be dressed up. I knew she would look stunning as always, and I didn’t want to be the shlubb next to her wearing jeans with a small hole below the left ass-pocket.

Being sooo over Calvin, I decided to give Kenneth a chance. Thank you Mr. Cole! By some miracle, his pants fit me perfectly. Like a glove… for my legs. I was so pleased with how they made me look that I ended up buying two pair. One gray, one khaki. I also got a new dress shirt, because it was on sale… and I’m the type of person who likes to look at the shopping bag as being half full. Instead of spending $40 on a new shirt, I was saving $20 on a shirt that was originally $60. I may have also bought some new underwear, because you can never have enough of that. The more underwear you have, the less you have to do laundry.

$240 and a new Macy’s credit card (saving me an additional %15!) later… I was ready to head back to Dr. D’s place to prepare for Jeannie’s arrival. I was sort of cutting it close time wise, but the chances of Jeanne actually being on time were 1 to never.

Not proving me wrong, at 6:16pm Jeanne sent me a text message that read: “Running really late. Is that really bad? Dropping a friend at the airport. Totally haven’t looked at a clock today. I’m SO SORRY. I suck.”

Had I not known Jeanne for 12 years, I might have been upset. But I’m used to Jeanne-time by now. I texted her back and told her to be here by 7:45pm, or I’m going without her. She made it with literally one minute to spare.

Without planning it, we matched. I had on my new khakis and a baby blue striped dress shirt. Jeannie was wearing a baby blue shirt under a white, flowy summer dress, with a green shawl. We looked like the First Couple of Spring.

As we walked up to Lincoln Center, Jeanne got an excited look in her eye and asked, “Are we going to the ballet?” Had a been straight, and had Jeanne not had a boyfriend that she is very much in love with… I totally would have got laid that night.

The ballet was amazing. We had great seats and after every piece Jeanne and I turned to each other with the same awestruck look on our face.

Since we missed out on the wine and appetizers I had planned for us before the ballet, we quite starving after it. Knowing that cheese and crackers weren’t going to cut it, we decided to stop by the nearest dinner and order some food to go. Jeannie, in full carnivore mode, got a buffalo burger with bacon, while I ordered the largest plate of rigatoni w/ ricotta that I have ever seen. Of course, that didn’t stop us from ordering a slice of chocolate cake to split as well.

As we walked back to the Good Doctor’s apartment, Jeanne turned to me and said, “Well, I guess you have to be rich to truly enjoy New York.” And although I also enjoy New York while broke, I knew what she meant. For once, it was nice not to struggle. We didn’t have to worry about spending money on the tickets. There was no hour long subway ride home waiting for us afterwards. And neither of us were cracked out like the homeless guy sitting next to me at the diner counter, eating his dinner of mashed potatoes and scrambled eggs.

And while having money is nice… it isn’t everything. More important than money, is the company you keep. 12 years ago, after school in the band room, I got in a heated discussion with an opinionated clarinet player. (Stupid me, tried to tell a native Mexican that she was wrong about the definition of a word in my Spanish textbook.) I never would have thought that a dozen years later, we’d be enjoying the ballet together in NYC.

Excuse me for getting all mushy for a moment, but any night spent with my BFF Jeanne (even if it’s in Bed-Stuy, eating pizza and watching reality TV…) makes me truly enjoy New York.

Awwwwwwwwww.

Next Update: Running Tally, Week #4.