3.5 Things (Cuz I’m Feeling Lazy This Week.)

1. Oh Jakey…
…what have they done to your hair?

I guess I’ll have to advert my eyes from your mangy, greasy rocker hair by staring at your beefy chest/rock hard abs/ripped arms instead.

Note to the movie producers: While it is okay to keep Jakey shirtless for your entire movie (it is hot in the desert after all), you must do something about that hair! I suggest a trim and some V05 Hot Oil.

And if you’re taking requests, how bout throwing us a hot, man-on-Jake, nude love scene as well? The Egyptians where down with the gays, right?

2. Clive!
Just so my beloved Clive doesn’t just jealous… Here’s his new trailer:
There better be some gay love-making in this one as well.

3. One More Thing For My Xmas List.

The Roundabout’s One-Night-Only-Benefit-Performance of A Little Night Music starring: Christine Baranski, Laura Benanti, Victor Garber, Natasha Richardson, Vanessa Redgrave, and some other theater-only actors that all you hardcore broadway geeks would know. The cheap seats ($150) are already sold out, so you’ll have to upgrade me to the $250 seats. Unless you really love me and you want me to be able to go to the reception. Those tickets cost you $1,000. But really, can you put a price on my happiness?

3.5. The List Gets Longer.

Okay, okay… if you really can’t afford it, then you can just buy me tickets to see M.L.P. in the Roundabout’s production of Hedda Gabler, opening next month.

Chili Party!!!

Sorry, no “7 Things” Post this weekend. I was too busy preparing for / hosting a Chili Party with MD-BF.

Instead, I’ll share with you my secret recipe for the perfect meat-free and onion-free chili:

1. Bell peppers, serrano peppers, garlic.

2. Corn, zucchini, portobello mushrooms.

3. Shit load of spices.

4. Tomatoes.

5. Beans, tomato sauce, (puke colored) vegetable stock.

6. Simmer!

7. Garnish with cilantro, sour cream, cheddar cheese and a side of jalpeno cornbread.

8. Serve with cold beer.

9. Followed by apple pie.

10. Followed by stomach pump.

Feeling Bloggy.

I’m feeling extra bloggy this week. Don’t know why. I’m gonna be out of town this weekend, so you’re getting your “7 Things” post early. You’re welcome.

1. President Obama.

I know the election was very exciting for many people… I just didn’t happen to be one of them. For me, it’s sort of like the Super Bowl. Sure, if you want to throw a party with plenty free food and beer, I’ll come watch. But if not, I’ll be just as content reading tomorrow’s headline to see who won. (Although, at least with politics, I know which side I’m rooting for.)

That being said, I have to admit that I did feel a jolt of excitement when pulling on the old-fashioned lever in the voting booth yesterday. (Yay for Brooklyn not updating to electronic voting booths yet!) Also, I’d have to be pretty apathetic not to feel anything as people starting hootin’ & hollerin’ in the streets last night as Obama was projected the winner.

However, any elation that I might have experienced last night was immediately quashed this morning when I found out about this…

2. Yes On Prop 8.

For someone who doesn’t feel very passionate about politics, this makes my blood boil. I’m glad America can finally elect a black president. Look, we’re progressive! Except when it comes to giving us fags a little equality.

I never really gave gay marriage that much thought before. But then again, I was never in a serious relationship before either. I still don’t want to get married (the church would burn down and I don’t look good in white.) But I hate, hate, hate that someone is telling me I can’t do it, even if I wanted to.

3. Speaking of Fags, Part I.

I guess this shirt could be for straights too. But when I wear it, it’s definitely faggy. Either way, isn’t it a delight? Dirty Uncle Noah sent to me for “Hallowieners.” Brilliant. I put it on for my BF the other night, but I had to explain the joke to him… which kind of killed it.

4. Speaking of Fags, Part II.

I found this image when doing a Google image search for “Prop 8.” If anyone wants to do some early Christmas shopping for me, please find me this book! It would be a prefect bookshelf companion for my “Sometime Mommy Drinks Too Much” book.

5. It’s Officially Christmas Already.

In other Starbucks News, they now have a Gold Card. It’s a $25 yearly membership that gives you 10% off all of your coffee purchases. Considering I spend about $25 a week on coffee, buying this stupid thing would save me at least $100. It also gives you 2 free hours a day of internet access, which is good for my e-mail addiction, but a bad distraction for when I go there to write. MD-BF of course bought one first thing this morning. I might try and hold off on joining until they can offer me a reserved table during peak hours.

6. Piracy.
I got a letter from my cable/internet company yesterday claiming that I, or someone who has access to my cable/internet connection has been downloading illegal materials. They claimed that I some how pirated this movie:

Um, I don’t think so.

7. My One Woman Show.
I finished my official first draft today. Unofficially, there have already been about 100+ drafts. But this is the first one where it’s finally put together enough that I feel comfortable sharing it with some fellow comedians/comediennes that I e-mailed today, begging for their feedback.

Since this is a one woman show, I’m gonna need some wigs. If anyone has the following wigs for loan, please let me know ASAP:

And although I don’t think this wig fits any of my characters, I still want it:

Down tiger!

Master Cleanse!!!

Yes, I’ve completely lost my mind again I decided to do the Master Cleanse again.

Which means that I won’t be blogging over here for the next two weeks. Instead, I’ll be here. (Click on the link only if you like reading about poop.)

The Story of My Life?

So I was checking out my blog stats on wordpress, and someone googled the following phrase and got linked to blog:

“Dad’s friend raped me and gave me a baby.”

Yikes!

Random Thought of the Week.

If you put a gun to my head and told me I had to see one of the following movies:

I’d probably just let you pull the trigger.

An 8th Thing…

Yes, I’m Gay?

No shit, Shirley. You look like a big old dyke here with your alien test tube baby.

Perhaps I’ll Be Watching The Summer Olympics After All…

Meet Raj Bhavsar.

He looks good in red.

Is very flexible.

And you could do your laundry on his abs.

They do award gold metals for hotness, right?

Mary-Kate!

Best. Celebrity. Sighting. Ever.

I know I haven’t posted recently. (The BF and I were on a relaxation-vacation in Miami. Promise to tell you all about it later!) But something so wonderful happened to me today, that my blogging silence must be broken.

I saw Mary-Kate Olsen, (half) alive, in the flesh!

I went to see ShaLisha perform Shakespeare in Central Park. After the show she pointed to a group of young kids having a picnic behind us, and she informed me that it was MKO and her posse. I took one look at the girl wearing the headband and the John Lennon sunglasses, and thought: “Nah, she’s way too fat to be Mary-Kate. She weighs at least 100lbs.”

But then I remembered that the latest issue of US Weekly had praised MKO for her recent “healthy” weight gain. I took a closer look, and sure enough… those thin, smirking lips sucking on that cigarette belonged to none other than my little Mary-K.

It’s sort of serendiptious that I should run into MKO today. (Do you like how I said “run into” as if I actually talked to/knew her?) Anycrap… Earlier this morning, during my improv group’s set at the 10th Annual Del Close Marathon, I made a MKO reference when someone gave my character a handful of sleeping pills. I’d like to think that if Mary-K was in the audience, she would have had a good enough sense of humor to laugh at my little joke.

Had I not just stepped in a pile of dog shit prior to spotting her, I might have dared to get a little closer to my MKO. But alas, instead I had to admire her from afar.

God bless. Love ya MKO.

Happy (Belated) B’day Judes!

Whhhaaat? Did someone say birthday?

I like to imagine her birthday cake would be as decadent… to match her hat.

If she looked that well worn at 40…

Imagine what she would have looked like at 86…

I tease because I love. You’re fabulous Judes. At any age.

With a handful of pills… Just the way I like to remember her.