Please forgive me dear readers for the lack of posts recently. My stress levels are at an all time high right now. Apartment hunting in NYC is not something that I would wish on my own worst enemies. Actually… I probably would wish it upon them. I’m spiteful like that.

In fear of jinxing myself, I don’t want to actually post about my apartment hunt until it’s finished. Which better be soon. I don’t think my heart can palpated much faster.

One thing that always makes me feel better and more in control (besides cleaning) is listing.

I have so much to do right now, but so little time. This weekend the gang is off to Mary Land. Which is delightful. And terrifying. I would like to have everything wrapped up before we leave on Friday, but the chances of that happening are slim to never.

Looks like I’ll be forced to make two lists:

THINGS TO DO BY THE END OF TODAY
*Laundry
*Buy sleeping bag (we’re camping at Mary Land)
*Buy air mattress (I’ll be damned if I’m sleeping on the ground)
*Buy new digital camera
*Buy more flip-flops at H&M
*Spend more money that I shouldn’t be spending
*Make playlist for car ride down to Mary Land
*Pack for Mary Land (I’m spending the next two nights at the Good D’s)
*Pack for spending the next two nights at the Good D’s

THINGS I NEED TO DO BY THE END OF THE MONTH
*Find an apartment
*Find a roommate
*Finish all the backlogged episodes of BSG in my DVR
*Pack everything I own
*Move everything I own
*Unpack everything I own
*Not kill myself

I’m in a very ugly place right now.

This morning we got up, our bodies hating us for what we did to them last night. Some people ate breakfast, but the only thing I could force down was a banana and two strawberries.

From 12-4pm we all sat around the study, curled up in chairs, paralyzed in rockers, and passed out on the floor.

The car ride home was two hours of hell. I did my best not to fall asleep, as I did not want to be rude to Chris, who was brave enough to drive us home.

We finally got back around 6:30. I wanted to take a nap, but my body would not shut down now that I needed it to. There is absolutely nothing I want to do right now. Even my normal addictions: TV, internet, food, do not interest me.

I’ve been sitting in my room listening to all of my Radiohead CDs and I think I’m going crazy.

Don’t party hardy, kids. Your body, which felt so good the night before, will seek revenge the next day. Especially once you get to the late end of your 20’s.

We didn’t sleep in too late Day 2, because we had a lot of shopping to do. After a wonderful pancake breakfast, we were out of the house by 11:15am, and on the road to some delightful shopping.

Our first stop was the Dollar General Store, where I bought a giant container of bubbles, a yellow plastic recorder, and a set of Pretty Ponies for $1 each. Jeffrey went a little coo-coo and bought a bunch of Christian paraphernalia, including two baseball caps with the Jesus fish on them.

Our second stop was the Salvation Army, which I could have spent hours in. But we were on a tight shopping schedule (since we had drugs waiting for us back at the house), so I only managed to score an awesome Judds record, two old school Hardy Boys hardcover novels, and a amazing woman’s blouse that was too small for me, but too ridiculous not to buy. Grand total: $3.08.

Next we went to Value City, which I became the fucking mayor of. I went a little crazy in the kitchen department, buying 2 loaf pans, 3 shallow cake pans, and 2 cooler racks… all for $3 each. I also bought a 2qt pot for $12. I probably didn’t need all that, but I guarantee that everything would have been 3 times as much at the Bed, Bath & Beyond on 6th Ave. And I am not one to let a good deal pass me by.

For our last few stops we hit up some local yard sales. I purchased a clear, 60’s umbrella for 50 cents, a red bell with a lobster on top for $1, and a Virgin Mary nite lite for 50 cents.

Back at the house we innocently played outside. There was kick ball, croquet, frisbee, bike riding, and coloring in the garage. Then we drank a bunch of alcohol and stayed up all night.

And now, whether you want it our not, here is a slide show from today. Surprisingly, all of these pics were pre-alcohol:

This morning Jeffery and I showed up to Housing Court and got a court date for next Friday morning. Our slum land lord is claiming that we owe him $3,600 for 2 months of unpaid rent, late fees and legal fees. Best case scenario, we don’t have to pay him a cent and the court gives us one more (rent free) month to find a new place to live. We have so much shit on him that I can’t imagine the court making us pay more than half of what he says we owe. We’ll see.

After court I headed into work and was surprisingly early, thanks to arriving at the court house at 9am. Work was pretty slow, which was good because I finally got caught up on everything, which meant that I could leave on time to head out for Mary Land.

For those of you who don’t know, Mary Land is my dream land. It is a farm house out in the Poconos in Pennsylvania, owned by my friend Chris, who has more kitsch than I have ever had in all my life (if you can imagine.)

We got to Mary Land around 8:30pm. We made a healthy dinner of cooked veggies for all the non-meat eaters, and steak for the carnivores. We then drank enough alcohol to melt all of my troubles away. It was a beautiful spring night, spent outside, sitting around the fire pit, underneath the stars, where the only sound for miles was the sound of horny frogs mating.

We did a little role play around the fire where we pretended that Jeffrey was our cool, hippy-dippy, drug-friendly camp consoler, and it was our last night of camp. My character was Rebbecca, the only girl who didn’t make any friends over the summer, and wouldn’t stop making up stories about her rich dad.

I went to bed very, very relaxed, and hoping that the weekend would never end.

Today we left Mary Land:

Now that I’m home I feel beyond depressed. I can’t tell if it’s the party withdrawal or the kitsch withdrawal that’s bringing me down. In all honesty, I think it’s the latter.

As soon as I got home I downloaded The Greatest Hits of Melanie in an attempt to relive the magic I experienced this weekend:

I’ve listened to it all evening, but it’s yet to rekindle any flames.

I seriously feel like I just went through a really bad breakup and I’m totally the injured party who didn’t want the relationship to end.

Right now, I desperately need to find a reason to go on. I should probably just throw myself into my “Top Secret February Project,” but I’m starting to get cold feet. The thought of going back to work tomorrow makes me want to take my own life. And on top off all that, I have to disassemble my busted up IKEA dresser and somehow find a box big enough to fit the bitch in by Wednesday.

But no matter how bad I feel right now, I just have to keep reminding myself: At least there’s not a hole in my ceiling from water damage, like the one that Jeffrey found in his room when we came home today:

I never thought these words would come out of my mouth, but I’d rather be in Pennsylvania right now.

Are you getting sick of looking at all the photos from my weekend getaway yet? If not, then you’re reading the posts backwards and you have yet to see the 8 million other pics for Day 122 & 123.

Today (Sunday), the only time I left the house was to take bad ANTM photos next to the truck with Jeffrey:

Me.

Jeffrey.

The rest of my time was spent inside, keeping my mind in an altered state of being. At one point I was fucked up enough to care about football. I cheered on the Giants and actually followed what was going on. Yeah, it got that bad.

But don’t worry, I did gay stuff too.

More arts & crafts:

It’s an ice rink.

Princess time:

Princess Jeffrey likes to make believe with powered sugar!

There was even a scavenger hunt!


Sophia got smacked in the face by Chris during the hunt, so I guess this turned pretty butch too.

After spending all day indoors, and the majority of it in the basement, I felt like I fell into a black hole where time didn’t exist. I seriously couldn’t tell if it was 6pm or 6am, and things that happened earlier in the day seemed like they happened yesterday. In fact, at this point, the entire weekend was becoming one giant blur. But in a good way.

I like to party. I don’t do it that often, so today I more than made up for lost time. To protect the innocent, and more importantly… myself, I won’t divulge what sort of party I’m talking about here.  Birthday?  Retirement?   Graduation?  You decide.  Just rest assured that there was no HARD partying done.

Actually, come to think of it, most of the activities that took place today look pretty innocent when on paper:

*Puzzles
*Arts & crafts
*Dress up
*Playing with dolls

But the photographic evidence is pretty incriminating:

At one point in the evening we started keeping a list of all the funny things that people said. However, when you’re partying, everything seems funny. In sober retrospect… not so much. Still, my favorite quotes from the night are:

“You guys look like the cast from Jesus Christ Superstar.”

“Alright, this next one is a 3 or 4 dicker.”

“I’d like to eat something, before it gets ugly.”

I could try to explain what each of those meant, but they still probably wouldn’t be any funnier for you.

My favorite activity for the night was drawing. I got really into it and proclaimed my crayon on sketch paper to be “The most brilliant thing I have done in my entire life.” My piece was met with great applause by my peers and when I get home I plan to frame it and hang it up in my apartment for all to see. Won’t my parents be so proud when they come to visit for Easter?

If you know me at all, or if you’ve ever seen my bedroom, you know that I have a very serious kitsch fetish. Well, this weekend, I died and went to heaven.

And this is what heaven looks like:

The backstory:

Jeffrey’s friends “The Straights,” have a friend “Mary,” who owns “Mary Land,” a farm house in the Poconos that is decorated head to toe in kitsch. (Mary of course is a he, and his real name is Chris, but us gays like to refer to each other using female names for comedic effect.)

Since Chris is (sniff) selling Mary Land, the gang decided to do it up one last weekend, and I was lucky enough to score an invitation.

Words cannot even describe what an amazing time I had. So instead, I am going to let the pictures do the majority of the talking:






And that is the soberest you will see me for the rest of this weekend.