Getting Thrifty on Thrifting.

While most people do their day-after-Christmas-shopping at department stores, hoping for slashed prices on coffee makers and vacuum accessories… I hit up my favorite thrift stores, hoping for slashed prices on porcelain reindeer and Hannah Montana Christmas cards.

Okay, so I actually didn’t buy any 75%-off Christmas crap. In fact, believe it or not, I hardly bought anything. Normally when I visit MN, I arrive with one suitcase and leave with two. (The second being entirely filled with kitsch.)

However this year, thanks to the economic crisis and the fact that airlines are raping my wallet even more by charging for each suitcase that is checked (thank god a pressurized cabin is still free!), I’m cutting down on the kitsch. Single tear, I know.

I’m sad to report that I passed on a lot of great items that I normally would have snatched up. (The homoerotic Ken dolls; the Crystal Gayle records; the crazy-eyed, light-up Easter bunny…)

Instead, I stuck to the items that really spoke to me:

Praying Boy, $3.80

Perhaps it was my Catholic guilt that made me buy him, but I thought he’d look good in my bedroom. That way, at least someone is trying to save my soul as I lay me down to sleep at night.

Naked Girl Brushing Hair (Framed), $3.99

This is totally going up in my bathroom. In fact, it might as well be a mirror, because that’s exactly how I brush my hair in the morning too.

Green Vintage Women’s(?) Handbag, $2.99

Because I’m always looking for ways to make myself look gay-er.

I still have 4 days left here in MN, and a lot of free time on my hands. But I’m going to try and refrain from any more thrifting. Instead, I’m just gonna lock myself in my old bedroom and brake out into a cold sweat from thinking about that vase made entirely of ashtrays that I left behind on the shelf at the Salvation Army.

Beach Day.

The original plan for today was for me to do a half day at work, so that I could join MD-BF and his sis (in town from TX) to go upstate and dine at the C.I.A.

Unfortunately, MD-BF’s sis had to cancel her trip at the last minute. So instead of going upstate to eat, MD-BF decided to use the day to go upstate and clean out his storage space. As soon as MD-BF explained that he would be donating his unwanted goods to the local Goodwill and Sally Army, I immediately volunteered to take the entire day off so that I could “help” him.

When MD-BF texted me at work yesterday to suggest that we go to the beach instead of a storage facility, I happily agreed (once of course I got over the initial shock of my precious thrifting being taken away from me.)

Although I just had a four day weekend last week, I decided that I needed another extended holiday. When I am at work, I bust my balls. In fact, I’ve busted them so hard the past few weeks, that I don’t think I can have kids anymore. So don’t a deserve a little something as reward?

Or a big something… Like the brand new 26″ Widescreen Flat-Panel HDTV/DVD Combo I bought myself this morning. (MD-BF had a rental car for the day… Brooklyn just happened to be on the way to Long Beach… I had all this extra OT $$$ on my paycheck… My birthday is coming up… It’s Friday… I had a million good reasons to buy this TV, okay?)

After we dropped of my new lover TV at my apartment, MD-BF and I drove off to Long Beach so that I could get back my Miami tan (minus the hideous sunburn.)

While Long Beach is not quite as picturesque as Miami Beach, it’s at least a step up from Coney Island Beach (which doesn’t take much.) Instead of being covered with garbage, Long Beach is littered with translucent (dead) jellyfish that look like silicone breast implants.

I guess along the boardwalk there was a little bit of garbage. But as they say in the world of garage sales and thrift stores, “One man’s junk is another man’s treasure.” Truer words have never been spoken.

MD-BF wrestled a small child found this Cinderella doll in the sand. We had fun playing Top Model with her.

Here’s Cindy getting her seaweed wrap.

I spotted this baby that had it’s head smashed in by a brick. I considered rescuing her and bringing her down to the beach. But in the end, I didn’t want to mess up the tan lines she was working on getting rid of.

Here’s me almost flashing the whole beach as I tried the old changing-under-the-towel trick.

While I didn’t get to thrift today… I still had a pretty sweet day. Of course, I didn’t have to work today either. So really, I could have done absolutely anything, and I would have considered it “pretty sweet.”

No More Boxes!!!

With the pending arrival of my sister and her BF tomorrow, a small flame had finally ignited under my ass for me to finish unpacking my boxes and find a home for all my kitsch in my new apartment.

When I realized that tonight was also the premiere of Project Runway, and that I’d have to be at the Good D’s to watch it since we still don’t have cable… or a TV, that flame turned into a forest fire.

I was planning to do a half day at work, but thanks to Ms. Heidi Klum and my love of all things reality TV (and all things gay), I went ahead and took the entire day off… Which of course meant that I spent all morning procrastinating. By mid-afternoon I finally got in the swing of things. But by early evening I was over it, and I had to start drinking in order to keep going.

8+ hours and few cans of cheap beer later, and I was finally done. I’d like to thank the makers of Miller High Life (classy, I know); the Dixie Chicks; Adam, who was home and had to listen to me listen to (and sing along with) the Dixie Chicks; and the makers of the Swiffer, a mop that’s fun to use while slightly tipsy!

I’m finally unpacked and I finally feel at home in Crown Heights.

We probably won’t be having a house warming party until Sept. to coincide with my b’day. But for those of you just dying to see it, here’s a sneak peak of my room:

This is my tiny, tiny closet. Not much to see here (literally.) But I am proud that I finally found a spot for my pink circle mirror! I love this mirror because it reminds me of something you would have seen in the Stephanie and DJ’s room on Full House. I’ve had it for awhile, but never on display. Before my move, I told myself I should just throw it away. Sure glad I didn’t.

Random shit I hung above my dresser. I have very little storage space in my new apartment. So everything must go up! Looking at this pic now, I realize that the frame around the Virgin Mary looks crooked. Ugh.

The place I lay my head at night. To the left is my great-great grandfather. Above my bed (starting top left and going clockwise) is: Dolly, Judy, Crystal, the Judds, Judy (again), and some chick who is holding her hands together in prayer.

And my favorite part of the room: My mantel of kitsch! Hanging on the wall to the right, is Tipsy (or Tripod as Jeanne calls him.) He’s a three legged cat that I purchased during my last trip to Mary Land. He was also the very first thing to go up on my wall when we first moved in two weeks ago.

AND NOW BACK TO PROJECT RUNWAY!

Here are my initial impressions…

People I Am Rooting For:

Keith, Kelli, Kenley. Only people who’s first name begins with a ‘K.’

People I Am Rooting Against:

Blayne, Suede. And if their name’s didn’t give me reason enough to hate them, their hair sure did.

Hipster Twins I Can’t Tell If I Like Or Loathe:

Emily, Leanne. I swear I see these girls everyday in Brooklyn.

Bitches In Waiting:

Daniel, Jerell, Terri. Mark my words, one (or possibly all three) of these people will act like a major cunt.

People Who’s Bio Pic Looks Like A Mugshot:

Stella. Love her!

Water Gap?

A water gap is a “geological formation where a river cuts through a mountain ridge.”

You’re welcome.

Saturday the Good Doctor and I went canoeing down the Delaware Water Gap… which is actually in Pennsylvania. And Jersey. But not Delaware.

Yes, I know I swore off Jersey after a 5th of July BBQ that almost left me stranded at a bus stop out there. But this time we had a rental car. And we didn’t actually have to step foot in Jersey. We just had to drive through it. My window stayed rolled up the entire time.

Once in the Keystone State, we coasted down the Delaware River where I sang songs from Pocahontas and worked on my life vest tan:

The Good D. and I were the only gays on The Gap that day. While rafts full of frat boys and their soon-to-be-gangbanged girlfriends rolled by drinking 6-packs of Bud Light, we nibbled on cheese wedges and sipped our vodka and o.j. on the rocks.

Later we pulled our canoe up on the real rocks (not ice), and had a picnic courtesy of Whole Foods. Old wives’ tale be damned, we went for a swim right after eating. The rental company suggested wearing water shoes. Um, no thanks:

If only I had listened… While laying on a mossy, submerged rock I felt something about the size of a silver dollar on my foot. IT WAS A FUCKING LEECH!!! I hate leeches. They’re right up there with centipedes and worms that lay out in the rain and get run over by cars for me.

After I pulled the sucker (literally) off of my foot and threw it back in the water, I had a mini-freak out and decided that I was done swimming. I began to tell the Good D. about the time I went swimming as a child and stepped in a pool of baby leeches, when I felt something on my back.

Please don’t let it be more leeches. Please don’t let it be more leeches… Sure enough, I scratched my back, and when I pulled my hand back around to inspect it… it was crawling with baby leeches. Now it was time for a MAJOR freak out.

After a lot of whimpering and hyper-ventilating, I got back in the canoe and rowed like there was no tomorrow. I wasn’t trying to row fast to get away from the leeches. But rather, I was picking up the pace because on our way into town I spotted a Flea Market store that was only open until 6pm.

This is me in heaven:

The Good D. knew about my sick love affair with kitsch, but this is the first time he had seen it in action. I could have spent hours in that store. They had a whole room full of boxes where everything was a dollar. There was a sign on the wall that said if you spent $25 in that room, you got $5 for free. It was a challenge that was just begging for me to accept it… but I didn’t want to freak the Good D. out too much.

So instead I just decided to freak out the local shoppers by buying the gayest shit in there.

My conquests:
1. Culture Club’s Colour by Numbers.
2. A white leather bracelet, with the word “PUNK” in pink rhinestones.
3. Rainbow elbow pads.

and my crowning glory…

4. Teenesha Campbell-Jones.

That’s the name I bestowed upon her. I’m working on her backstory, which I’ll post soon.

I told the Good D. that he had to buy at least one thing. He did me proud by buying The Ungame, “the world’s most popular self expression game” where everyone is a winner. Good D. bought the “Christian version” that tacks such bible-riffic questions as “If you could add two new commandments to the Ten Commandments, what would they be?”

Surprisingly, he also bought this:

He said he wanted it for the picture on the front. But I suspect that some day I’m going to come home and find him lounging on the couch, waiting for me with nothing but the body suit, a Princess Leigh wig, and a crooked smile.

In the dollar section, I found the perfect purse to match:

But I ended up passing on it. I just couldn’t bring myself to carry it up the register where the lady with the side-ponytail and pink scrunchie was waiting with judging eyes. Besides, the theme for my purchases was “faggot,” not “drag queen.”

Driving back home we got stuck in Jersey traffic for at least an hour, which only solidified my hatred for the Garden State. But after a fun day of canoeing and thrifting… it was almost worth it.

For those of you wanting to see a picture of the Good D… I’m sorry, but I’ve decided to protect the innocent. Instead, here’s an artist’s rendering of us in a cornfield:

DAY 227: Retail Therapy.

For the past two days, in order to cheer myself up while back at home, I did some retail therapy. Of course for me, retail therapy does not include buying new clothes for myself. It involves buying new kitsch.

And let me tell you, I went all out this time. My new purchases include, but are not limited to:

1. Cornelius Piggywinkle the Homosexual Swine

This is not actually a new purchase. I bought it last summer, but couldn’t fit it into my suitcase to bring back to NY at the time. So my dear Jonesela has been holding on to it for me. Big ups to Jonesie too, considering she’s been living on someone’s couch for the past couple of months… I’m very impressed that she’s kept Piggywinkle this long. But now he is happy to be living in NYC, where his homosexuality and flamboyant personality is not as stifled and looked down upon.

2. A Ziplock Baggie Full of Ridiculous Hair Bows/Clips.

(As modeled by Piggywinkle.) Do I have a need for women’s hair bows/clips? Absolutely not. But come on, those look pretty awesome, right?

3. Glassware.

I can’t decide if I want to use these as candle holders for the backyard, or giant shot glasses. Doesn’t a lemon drop sound really good right about now?

This lovely set of 8 that I bought makes me feel like it’s 1974 and I’m at a Key Party

4. Glasses.

If I wanted to be a real Hipster, I would wear these out in public unironically. Or ironically. I’m not sure which… which is why I could never be a real Hipster.

Um… I don’t know how to flip this picture. But it sorta adds to the funness of it, right?

5. Religious Dishware.

At first I thought that this would be a fun plate to serve hors d’oeuvres on. But then I read on the back that it is not for food use, as “plate may poison food.” So I guess I’ll have to save it for when entertaining my mortal enemies.

6. Plaid Shirts.

Earlier this spring, after a totally unjustified shopping spree at H&M, I declared white and navy to be my summer colors. Well, turns out I was wrong. Plaid is in this summer. Lots of plaid.

This shirt is an exact match of the jumpers that the girls in my grade school had to wear. I finally get to let my inner grade school girl shine! (Also, notice how my jaundice face almost matches the butter-yellow wall? Nice, huh?)

7. Tiger Pattern!

I have no idea what I am going to do with this… but it is mos def my favorite purchase.

8. Old Lady Track Suit.

Again, I have no need for this. It doesn’t even fit me. (Lord, how I wish it did!) But for $2.95, who am I to say no?

God, I feel 100% better already!

DAY 216: Mary Land, Day 2.

We didn’t sleep in too late Day 2, because we had a lot of shopping to do. After a wonderful pancake breakfast, we were out of the house by 11:15am, and on the road to some delightful shopping.

Our first stop was the Dollar General Store, where I bought a giant container of bubbles, a yellow plastic recorder, and a set of Pretty Ponies for $1 each. Jeffrey went a little coo-coo and bought a bunch of Christian paraphernalia, including two baseball caps with the Jesus fish on them.

Our second stop was the Salvation Army, which I could have spent hours in. But we were on a tight shopping schedule (since we had drugs waiting for us back at the house), so I only managed to score an awesome Judds record, two old school Hardy Boys hardcover novels, and a amazing woman’s blouse that was too small for me, but too ridiculous not to buy. Grand total: $3.08.

Next we went to Value City, which I became the fucking mayor of. I went a little crazy in the kitchen department, buying 2 loaf pans, 3 shallow cake pans, and 2 cooler racks… all for $3 each. I also bought a 2qt pot for $12. I probably didn’t need all that, but I guarantee that everything would have been 3 times as much at the Bed, Bath & Beyond on 6th Ave. And I am not one to let a good deal pass me by.

For our last few stops we hit up some local yard sales. I purchased a clear, 60’s umbrella for 50 cents, a red bell with a lobster on top for $1, and a Virgin Mary nite lite for 50 cents.

Back at the house we innocently played outside. There was kick ball, croquet, frisbee, bike riding, and coloring in the garage. Then we drank a bunch of alcohol and stayed up all night.

And now, whether you want it our not, here is a slide show from today. Surprisingly, all of these pics were pre-alcohol:

DAY 122: Heaven On Earth: The Best Weekend Of My Life, Part I.

If you know me at all, or if you’ve ever seen my bedroom, you know that I have a very serious kitsch fetish. Well, this weekend, I died and went to heaven.

And this is what heaven looks like:

The backstory:

Jeffrey’s friends “The Straights,” have a friend “Mary,” who owns “Mary Land,” a farm house in the Poconos that is decorated head to toe in kitsch. (Mary of course is a he, and his real name is Chris, but us gays like to refer to each other using female names for comedic effect.)

Since Chris is (sniff) selling Mary Land, the gang decided to do it up one last weekend, and I was lucky enough to score an invitation.

Words cannot even describe what an amazing time I had. So instead, I am going to let the pictures do the majority of the talking:






And that is the soberest you will see me for the rest of this weekend.

DAY 119: Roomsie!

Last night I got to hang out with the best roommate in the world. (Or rather, the best roommate in MN… don’t worry Jeffrey, you obviously hold the NY title.) My old roomsie Alisun had taken a last minute, surprise trip to NY, and I got to see her for one night, and one night only.

Roomsie and I were friends in high school, thanks to a cheesy little musical called “The Boyfriend,” in which we played British lovers Nigel and Nellie. Now for anyone who’s ever been lucky enough to experience the show, you probably don’t remember the characters Nigel and Nellie. That’s because we were extras and we made those names up ourselves. But that didn’t stop us from showboating it up in the background, trying to steal the spotlight.

One of our favorite after school activities in high school was to get into my car (the Shitty Chevy) and drive down Grand Ave (a beautiful, tree lined street with giant, Victorian houses) and squirt people with a Super Soaker. One time I was driving and squirting at the same time, and Alice dared me to hit this guy who was dressed in his business suit, driving around, talking on his cellphone. I got him right in his cellphone-free ear and he started chasing us in his SUV. We narrowly escaped death, as I pulled over on to a side street and made everyone in the car get down and duck. Another time Al squirted a cycler, but then his friend on the bike behind him did a sneak attack on us, and doused us with the water from his nalgene bottle. It was better than a mentos commercial.

After high school we went to different colleges and didn’t see each other that much…. Although I do remember one time when she was visiting me at St. Olaf (Um Ya Ya!), and she just happened to have a spare pair of crutches in her trunk. We went around to all the convenience and grocery stores in town and I would pretend to be using the crutches. We set up elaborate scenarios that always involved me falling down. Sometimes she would be there to help me back up, and other times she stand by and snicker as strangers tried to get me back on my feet. The best was when we went into a Tom Thumb gas station where they had just mopped the floor. The manager thought for sure I was gonna sue.

By the time college was over we had lost touch. Until one random night a few years later, when my car had died on Hennipen Ave in downtown Minneapolis and Alisun drove by and saw me. It must have been destiny, because few months later we became roommates.

We had a great apartment in Northeast Minneapolis that was completely furnished with knick-knacks from Salvation Army, and furniture from off the street. Some of my favorite memories of our tenure as roomsies include:

*When we would go out to Starlight, a gay bar/”night club” in our neighborhood on a weeknight. Now, Minneapolis is a pretty happening place. But 11pm on a Tuesday night… not so much. We always had the dancefloor to ourselves. We would harass the DJ to play “Diva” music, to which we would get up on the go-go boy boxes and hoochie dance to. Alice had a crush on the straight(?) bartender and I would take my shirt off and make out with anything that had a mouth. Behold, the powers of alcohol!

*For Halloween that year I waited until the last minute to come up with my costume. Alisun helped me raid her closet and we created the gayest pirate costume ever. I was wearing a white, ruffled shirt; black pants that we made into shorts; argyle socks; an eyeliner goatee; and mardi gras beads. Alisun wrapped a Twister board around her and wore the spinner on her head. We started out at the Gay 90’s and ended the night at a strip club. And since I was wearing Al’s pants, they of course split up the back, half way through the night. I was like a little kid wearing onesies with the backdoor wide open.

*Thrift shopping. We only encouraged each other’s addictions. We lived close to the best Salvation Army ever, and there was one point when we would be there at the very least, five days a week. We always tried to outdo each other too. I would find a large ceramic squirrel with a crazed look in his eyes, and Alice would one up me by buying a casserole dish in the shape of a giant potato. We had a room in our basement that’s sole purpose was for kitsch storage.

*There was one period when we were living together that we were both unemployed for a couple of months. In the mornings I would write and Al would watch Starting Over. We’d then turn on some Crystal Gayle and dance around the house for hours. Or we’d just start drinking at noon, pass out, and then wake up to go out for round two in the evening.

Ah roomsie, what good times we shared! Thanks for the visit…

DAY 99: Still Thriftin’.

Me thinks I’ll be taking two suitcases back to NY with me this year. Usually I do all of my Christmas shopping in NY, which means that there is extra room in my suitcase for my return trip. But this year, since I didn’t do any shopping beforehand and I just stuffed my suitcase full (to the brim!) of dirty laundry, such will not be the case.

Not helping my predicament is the fact that I told my family I wanted acoutremonts for my kitchen this year, and instead of getting giftcards to Bed, Bath & Beyond like I suggested, they went ahead and bought me actual stuff for my kitchen. Now, don’t get me wrong, I like the surprise of presents much more than a giftcard, but come on guys, keep it small! How am I supposed to fit a Magic Bullet in my suitcase? (P.S. Don’t you just love that I got a “As Seen On TV” gift?)

But really, in all honesty, I know I don’t have anyone to blame but myself. I keep buying shit. Like today, when I went to Target with Kater and I bought new whisk and a vegetable brush… because I obviously couldn’t wait and buy those back in NY.

And of course, on top of that, I went thrifting again. Here are the damages:

1.

I like these urns because I can trick people into believing that someone’s ashes are in them. I think the emerald one will be fore Pablo, my deceased Latin lover who was living a healthy HIV+ lifestyle… until he got run over by a meat truck full of cold cuts. The tin one will be for Mitsy, our Pomeranian who I had to put to sleep because she reminded me too much of life with Pablo.

2.

I love these cups! I can’t wait until it’s summertime and Jeffrey and I can sit out on our back patio and drink mojitos out of these until the sun sets and we get so drunk that we pass out and our arms go limp and it doesn’t matter that the cup drops out of our hands and onto the cement because they’re plastic!

3.

I absolutely have no place for these in my apartment, but they were a dollar each so naturally, I couldn’t pass them up. ONE DOLLAR!

4.

In an attempt to replace the gay unicorn that I found the last time I came home (who unfortunately broke in my luggage on my way back to NY), I bought these fancy little fellows. They’re definitely homosexual… but still, in my heart of hearts, I know that nothing will ever top the fagginess of this guy. (R.I.P.)

DAY 95: Still Shopping…

Normally when I come home, I have problems sleeping in. Today, such was not the case. I woke up at 12:45pm. After the week I had, I probably could have hibernated the whole day, but alas, there was last minute shopping to be done.

Itching to get out of the burbs, I made my way over to Uptown to shop amongst the Hipster-lite. I popped some pills, loaded up on Starbucks, and prepared myself for an afternoon lost in a sea of other frantic last-minuters.

At my first stop, The Kitchen Window, one of the employees got awfully flirty with me. Normally, I would act all weird and make myself seem totally unavailable, but today, knowing I was safe because I was only in town visiting, I just smiled and looked pretty. Of course, it could have all been in my head. Or a sales ploy. Come to think of it, I did spend $50 there.

After briefly stopping in a few other shops where I knew I wouldn’t find anything, I couldn’t hold out any longer… I said fuck it to Christmas and decided to go Thrifting.

While visions of tsochke and nic nacks danced in my head, I got in to my car and drove to the best Salvation Army on earth. The moment I walked into that store and got a whiff of stale, smokey, mothball-ridden, second hand goods, I felt like a crackhead getting high for the first time all over again.

However, I did manged to show some restraint, and I only bought a few things, including:

1.

One of my (many) goals for 2008 is to cook more. And what better way to motivate myself to do so, than to have these cute little hollowed out, ceramic peppers in my kitchen! Just think of all the fun stuff I can keep in them. Like drugs!

2.

I bought this record because A.) I love cheesy album covers and B.) It goes with the color scheme of my kitchen/living room. Upon first glance I thought the woman on the cover was a drag queen (especially on the far left), which of course only makes me love it more.

3.

I really don’t have a place for this mirror in my house, but it reminded me of something that a teenage girl in the 80’s would have had in her room… so of course I had to have it. If nothing else, I can put it to good use when Jeffrey and I have a coke party. (P.S. You’re welcome for the crotch shot of me.)

After I got my used goods fix, I made a quick stop at the best liquor store on earth to buy a bunch of wine. (With my family, when in doubt, buy them liquor.)

Sadly, I still have plenty of shopping left to do. But now that I’ve left everything until the last minute, and I’m starting to stress… it’s really starting to feel like Christmas.