1. Xmas Shopping (For Others.)
Usually, I save all my Xmas shopping until the very last minute. And then, when I do finally start, I’m just buying things for myself. This year, I am proud to say that I set a new precedent. On Wednesday I went on a six-hour shopping spree and only bought presents for other people. I was able to cross off about half on my list. (And that made the O.C.D. part of my brain very happy.) Afterward, I partook in my favorite post-shopping activity: drinking. Beer helps to dull the mind and stop you from thinking about how much money you just put on your credit card.

2. Xmas Shopping (For Myself.)
After all that shopping for others, I decided to reward myself this weekend by shopping for me. I know this is horrible to say, but I for one don’t mind that the economy is in the shitter right now… because as a result, there are some really great sales out there! Seriously people, in the spirit of turning lemons in to lemonade, you can turn this economic crisis into a fabulous shopping spree. Under the guidance of my Fashionista-BF, I got a poofy winter jacket, a new raincoat and a multicolored stripped jersey pullover, all half-off at Triple 5 Soul. Then, because with my BF, once you shop you can’t stop… we made our way over to some SoHo sample sale where I got a lovely stripped cardigan, another stripe-y jersey pullover (stripes are in this year, you heard it here first) and a plaid dress shirt all at 70% off. Grand total spent: $321.06. Grand total saved: $375.57. I could feel bad about all the money shelled out, but I’ve decided that when you save more then spend, there should be no guilt involved.

3. Proof I’ve Been Spending Too Much.
Even though I’ve been dropping it like it is hot lately, I still look to cut even the smallest of corners whenever possible. One way I do this is by purchasing theater tickets at the box office instead of online. That way, I don’t have to pay the $5 processing fee that it apparently cost the theater to cover it’s internet bill.

After spending the majority of my Friday indoors (writing, interneting, and worrying about the state of my mental health…) I got off my ass, went for a run, and cleaned myself up real nice. By the time I got down to 42nd Street to pick up tickets (for The Cripple of Inishmaan), I was feeling pretty good. Helping my mood elevation, was the flirty box office attendant. Just as I was telling myself “You’ve still got it, Kiddo!” Flirty McGee told me that my credit card had declined. Jigga, what? I put the tickets on my debt card and made a hostile phone call to my credit company.

Turns out that they were just implementing a little credit card fraud protection, due to all the recent online transactions that had popped up on my bill. I wanted to explain to them it was the holidays, and that yes, people do tend to spend more money around this time of year. However, seeing as my phone call was outsourced to India, I saved my breath and confirmed that yes indeed, I really did spend all that money on iTunes updating my Christmas music.

4. But Baby, It’s Cold Outside.
I went for my first winter run this week. It wasn’t too bad thanks to the Spiderman pants that MD-BF bought for me after I finished the dreaded Master Cleanse:

My Spidey senses were tingling in a good way, and not from hypothermia!

5. Movie Recommendation.
Happy-Go-Lucky.
Besides Sally Hawkins being totally adorable, I highly recommend this movie because it made me feel slightly less insecure about the fact that I’m almost 30 and I’ve accomplished absolutely nothing in terms of being “successful.” It reminded me that it’s okay to have fun and just enjoy life. And also, that I’m very lucky to have the freedom to do so. Sigh. It’s worth $12 to feel that way for 90 minutes, right?

6. TV Recommendation.
Dancing With Dogs on Animal Planet.
Seriously, this show is the shit. It’s just like Best In Show. Only real. And with dancing.

7. Top Chef.
I’m making this prediction in the hopes that I’m proven wrong, but it seems to me that Final Three is destined to be:

All of the other chefs are being pretty much ignored by the editors so far this season. Seriously, can you name (or even picture any) of the other contestants? They only ones that stick out in my head are because of some quirky personality trait they posses, and not because of their cooking skills…

Big Time Dyke:

Wacky Hair Lady:

Jersey Mom:

Okay, to be fair to Jersey Mom, her (sucky) cooking skills also make her stand out.

1. D.C.
MD-BF and I had a great time last weekend. I don’t have many pics of D.C., mainly because we steered clear of all the monuments and memorial shit, as they were overpopulated with obnoxious children and their mullet-loving parents. I did however snap a few shots of these fun ladies, who were hanging outside of our hotel:

This one is spying on her friends:

And this one had a little too much fun Friday night:

2. Wednesday Night Supper Club, Resurrected.
This week Lady R., Jeannie, A.Rod and I decided to resurrect our Wednesday Night Supper Club… on a Monday. Our meal was a simple whole wheat pasta dish with red sauce and a melange of whatever veggies Jeannie and A.Rod had in the fridge. We of course had our signature garlic bread and a bottle or two of red. For our movie, we decided to get nostalgic for the 90’s and watch Dick Tracy. I remember being big into D.T. as a child. My favorite character was The Brow:

I think I was a fan because my dad used to get a brow every time he took off his glasses. When the movie first came out I remember being disappointed because The Brow bit it in the very first scene. This time around, eighteen years later (eek!), I still wasn’t impressed. All though Jeannie thought the movie had the most “Saturation [of color] she had seen in years,” we all sort of agreed that Madonna can’t really sing.

3. MD-BF Goes LCB-HDTV!
It finally worked! After month of whispering subliminal messages to him while he slept, my BF got a new flat screen TV:

Now I can go back to whispering about the other thing I want him to buy, my Stanley:

4. My Latest Obsession:
iPhone Scrabble.

I haven’t even finished reading my last two issues of Entertainment Weekly because now all of my precious subway time is now spent trying to get Bingoes. (A bingo is when you lay all seven letters down on the board at once.) So far, I’ve gotten three. I also like trying to play dirty words. For the record, you can use “poon” and “taint,” but not “cunt.”

5. Raul!
This week I went with my (MD)BF to see my other BF (Raul) in Speed the Plow.

He had to be kind of un-sexy and disheveled in the first act, which was a bit disappointing (and a true testament to how good of an actor really he is.) But don’t worry, by act three he was back to being suave and muy caliente. Good looks aside, he could also act circles around the two TV “stars” that he was forced to share the stage with.

6. ANTM.
Okay, I think it’s pretty obvious that McKey is the only one left at this point with even a fraction of the talent that it should take to win this Pony Show. However, let me remind you that this is America’s Next Top Model and that they rarely pick a deserving winner. (Hello, Whitney and Mushroom Head.) A few weeks back I started getting a sneaking suspicion that they were pimping this clown to be this cycle’s unemployable “winner:”

Ugly-pretty? Or just Pretty-annoying?

7. Top Chef.
Yay! Now that we are living in a Project Runway-less world, I am glad to have my Padma & Co. back.

None of the contests really struck me as lovable or loathable just yet. But don’t worry, once I start passing judgment, you’ll be the first to know. That being said, this contestant did stick out to me as being a very convincing drag queen version of Daryl Hannah:

1. The Master Cleanse.
Sorry I haven’t posted on here in awhile.  I was too busy starving myself and blogging over here.  The good news is that the Master Cleanse is over.  Forever. The even good-er news is that you’ll never have to read about the contents of my colon again.  It’s a win-win for both of us.

2. Benefits of the Cleanse, Part I.
It did wonders for my allergies and sinuses.  The last time I went for a run (pre-cleanse) I was very short of breath and almost asthmatic.  For my first post-Cleanse run I kicked some ass.  I ran all of Central Park… that’s 6.5 miles in just under 55 minutes.  If only the former, 30 plus pounds, grade school version of myself could see me now!

3. Benefits of the Cleanse, Part II.
Besides 100+ lemons and three bottles of expensive organic maple syrup, I didn’t spend any money on food for 10 days.  An even bigger miracle… no money spent on coffee or booze.  Thanks to the Cleanse, I was able to transfer a serious chunk of change into my savings account.  I’ve set a goal for myself to have X amount of money in my savings by the end of the year.  Currently, I’m ¾ of the way there.   It’s nice to have money saved up… especially when you already know what you’re going to spend it on: Plane tickets.

For much of 2009 I’m going to be touring the US. So far I have:

1. Trip home for my sister’s wedding(!)
2. (Possibly separate) trip home for my BF to meet the rents.
3. Trip to San Antonio to meet the BF’s rents.
4. Possible gay-cation/winter-get-away to Florida.

And most importantly…

5. Trip with the BF to Dollywood. Yes, DOLLYWOOD!!!

4. Work.
They’re downsizing before the end of the year.  The good news: I’m not losing my job.  The bad news: I’m not losing my job.

5. Married Life.
I’m enjoying it immensely, thank you.  Last weekend I baked an apple pie:

And the BF taught me how to sew.  You see, the BF hosted a Martyr Party for All Saints Day, and I decided that instead of spending $50 on a stupid costume that I would only wear once, I should just make one from scratch.  Well after a trip to Mood, Broadway Fabrics, Pearl Paint, Lee’s Art Store, and American Apparel… I ended up spending $50 anyway.  But at least my costume was handmade with love (and a little frustration.)  Much better than buying something from Ricky’s that has been handmade by slave children in Malaysia.

6. Martyr Party.
I went as Joan of Arc burning at the stake, because after all, I have the hair for it.  Ironically enough, I don’t have any pics of my fabulous Joan hair.   Thankfully, I happened to take these two pics while getting ready in the bathroom… before I consumed too much wine and ate my weight in baked brie.

7. Stylista.
Every year the CW has some shitty new reality show that is so bad, it never gets another season.  (Yes, I’m looking at you, Crowned: The Mother of All Pageants.)  And every year, I get sucked into watching it.  When I first saw the promos for Stylista I said to myself, “This is going to be the year that I break the cycle!”  But then my BF, who made fun of me for watching the first episode of that other CW Crapfest: 90210 (out of morbid curiosity, I swear), decided to DVR it.  And of course, now that I’ve seen one episode, I have to watch them all.

The only person more unlikeable than the brainlessly bland contestants, is this botoxed cow:

I don’t hate her as much as I hate Rachel Zoe.  But then again, that’s like saying I don’t hate 9/11 as much as I hate the Holocaust.

1. Things I Did Get Done On My “To Do List” Today.
*Work on rewrites for One Woman Show
*Set up blog for Master Cleanse V2.0
*Buy shitload of lemons and limes for M.C. V2.0
*Go for a run

2. Things I Didn’t Get Done On My “To Do List” Today.
*More shoe shopping
*Make mega-gay workout mix for MD-BF
*Call home
*Do something about my cellphone

3. Cellphone.
I dropped my cellphone in the toilet yesterday. And yes, I was sober. The good news is that wasn’t any piss in the toilet yet. The bad news is that there was toilet water in the toilet and now my phone doesn’t work. I hope you haven’t been trying to call or text me.

4. Wig Out!

If you can still get tickets, I highly recommend this show. Is it the best piece of theater ever? No. Is the runway show that happens at the beginning of the second act the best thing I’ve seen in a while? Yes. It also helped that for the sound design, they seemed to have hijacked my iPod. Beyonce, Solange, DC3, J.Hud… I was in Black Diva Heaven!

5. New Character?
At the performance of Wig Out! that MD-BF and I saw, we spotted a new character for my One Woman Show:

The theater seats were raked, expect for the onstage seats where she was sitting. The poor gays behind her had to crank their necks through out the entire show. If she had painted her face blue, she would have looked just like Papa Smurf.

6. ANTM.

So long Robo-Christina Aguilera. You did a good job falling up those stairs!

7. Project Runway.
While I’m thankful that I don’t have to see this walk down the runway at the finale:

And that Cuntley will be sticking around to add some much needed drama:

I am most thankful that my girl Korto will still be representing:

Praise Jesus!

1. My One Woman Show.
It’s going great, thanks for asking. I finally have a first draft on all my characters, which means that now all I have left to endure is a million rewrites. The deadline for a November performance is just a few days away. I could probably scrap together a final draft in time, but instead I’ve decided to wait one more month. After all, what’s one more month on top of the six that I’ve already waited?

2. Master Cleanse V2.0.
Only 7 days until I foolishly start Version 2.0 of the Master Cleanse. I’m half excited, half scared. To help myself mentally prepare I’ve 1.) Cut down my coffee intake to one grande Misto a day. 2.) Stopped stress eating at work. And 3.) Started drinking two liters of water a day… just so I can used to the pissing schedule that I’ll be on soon.

3. Shopping Like There’s No Tomorrow… Or No Such Thing As Credit Card Debt.
This weekend I set up an appointment with my personal stylist (my BF) to help me spend some birthday money on a few new items for my fall/winter wardrobe. Trying to be a good boy, I only had three things on my shopping list: A new winter coat, black dress shoes, and shit-kicker boots. However, the birthday money only covered about one shit-kicker… so Momma ended up dipping into her personal savings a little bit.

And then some…

Since I only found two of the three items on my list (winter coat and shit-kickers) I allowed myself a few other (un)needed purchases. Besides stopping into an H&M in search of a single t-shirt and leaving with a giant shopping bag and one less Benjamin Franklin… I also purchased a second jacket at the Army Navy store, that I had no good reasoning for buying other than the fact that it “fit me so well,” quoth my BF. Thank god October is a three paycheck month a work.

4. Running.
Two weeks ago, while watching an episode of The Biggest Loser (yes, I have no shame when it comes to reality TV…) I suffered a brain hemorrhage and got the crazy idea in my head to sign up for a half marathon. I was one credit card transaction away from committing, when thankfully, I came to my senses and decided to sleep on it for a night. While I have been good at keeping up a pretty consistent running routine these past 6 months, I seemed to have forgotten that I only run 5 miles at a time… not 13.5 miles. While I would someday like to work up to 13.5 miles, the half marathon would have been this Saturday, and me thinks that would have been a little bit too soon. Instead, I am happy to report that they only running I did this Saturday, was the running of errands.

5. Latest iTunes Obsession.
A few weeks ago MD-BF and I were enjoying a Inspector Lynley Mystery on PBS and every time they went to commercial, we were invited to join Carole King In Her Living Room. Since then, I haven’t been able to get Ms. King out of my head. I finally downloaded her Greatest Hits on iTunes, which means that I’ve officially turned into a lesbian. It’s like she invited herself into the living room inside my brain and she won’t stop playing this song:

6. Top Model.
Okay, so this photo is actually from last week’s episode, but I didn’t find until this week. And since it’s quite possible my Favorite. Moment. In. Top. Model. History… I simply have to post it:

She’s hoping the earrings draw attention away from her penis.

7. Project Runway.
Kunt-ley.

At this point, I hate her so much that I’m back to loving her.

The good news is that I’ve been getting a lot of work done on writing my one-woman show. The bad news: I’m gonna half-ass this blog post.

1. British Invasion.
My BF was in Prauge for the majority of last week, so I quickly found myself in the arms of an ex-lover: My Netflix account. But this time, instead of watching endless reality trash, I’ve become addicted to all things BBC. The main perps:

Next up in my Queue:


2. New Music Obsession #1
One of my co-workers bought me an iTunes giftcard for my b’day… so I went a little crazy on iTunes and I found my new Friday Night Anthem: “Girls Night Out” by the Judds. Love it, love it, love it.
This video is kind of funny. But if you want a really funny video for this song, check out this link. I would LOVE to meet her at a karaoke bar.

3. New Music Obsession #2.
Meet Roisin Murphy. She’s Ireland’s version of Kylie. Unfortunately, only her first album is available on iTunes, and it does not include this song:
Were I a pop star, I would totally make over-the-top videos like this. Sorry Madge, but this beats you dancing around in a purple uni-tard any day.

4. Cookie Time!
Before he left, MD-BF bought me some new cookie cutters to add to my odd collection. Delicious results below:

Needless to say, I’ve been eating cookies all week.

5. Master Cleanse.
To help end my cookie eating habit, Beta and I are thinking of doing the Master Cleanse again. In two weeks. I’m trying to mentally prepare myself now. By eating more cookies.

6. America’s Next Top Model.
Although her picture wasn’t all that great this week, Black Fran Drescher can do no wrong by me.

Even though it seems like Lauren Brie may already have this whole thing in the bag, I’m still rooting for my girl Joslyn. And since after just three weeks she’s the only black girl left… I’m pretty sure that Tyra’s won’t be sending her home anytime soon.

7. Project Runway.
Me elation in this going home:

Was almost ruined by this sticking around:

Oh well, at least I had still had this to keep my spirits up:

Long live Shania Jank!

1. Last Week.
I missed out on my “7 Things” post. Here are seven words to bring you up to date: Faggot. Reality-TV. Hair. Disgruntled. Margaritas. Sassafrass. Stella!

2. Coffee.
My addiction grows. Last month, Starbucks (my enabler) had its “$2 after 2pm” deal. Buy any coffee before 2pm, get any grande iced coffee for only $2 after 2pm. I can’t believe I fell for such an obvious marketing trap. But, before I knew it, I couldn’t make it through my workday afternoon without my grande iced vanilla latte (full fat, none of this Chelsea-queen, sugar free, super-skinny, milked from an organic cow crap.) However, at the beginning of this month, just after they conditioned my body to start going through caffeine withdrawal at the stroke of 2pm… Starbucks pulled the plug on their deal.

Instead of spending the full price on my afternoon fix, I decided to compensate by doubling up on my morning Mistos. That worked out for a week… until the dark lord of Starbucks decided to bring back the “$2 after 2pm” deal. You’d think that’d be good news, right? Wrong. For the past two days I’ve exhibited absolutely no self-control by treating myself to two morning Mistos and an afternoon latte. That means that I am spending $7.27 a day at Starbucks. I might as well go back to smoking a pack a day at this point. At least I would be saving myself some money!

3. Running.
Usually, it’s around this time of year that I grow tried of running and decided to let my legs hibernate until the spring. However, now that I’ve traded the streets of Brooklyn for Central Park as my running track, I’m still going strong. (Streets of Brooklyn equals broken glass and mocking gansta’ teens, vs. Central Park which equals a plethora of green foliage and sweaty man-candy for my eyes. You do the math.) Last summer I worked on extending the length of my run, reaching 10 miles. This summer I’ve been working on speed. My goal is to complete my regular 4.5-ish mile run in 30 minutes. Two Wednesdays ago, motivated by the fact that “Top Model” was premiering that night, I finished in 33 minutes. Last Tuesday, I clocked in at 32 minutes, knowing that my honey was waiting for me at home with a pitcher of margaritas. I didn’t set any new record’s on yesterday’s run. However, I still managed to tear it up running around the Jackie Onassis reservoir, thanks to my secret weapon of Friday’s midnight snack of deep-fried mac & cheese at BAMN!,

4. Work.
I went back down to working 4 days a week! With my extra day off I hope to work more on my show, start yoga classes, finish decorating my apartment, do some crafting projects, bake cookies… or you know, just sleep in and watch a bunch of TV.

5. Birthday Presents!!!
My birthday is still a week away, and yet, the presents have already started rolling in. Last week I received a package from Amazon, which I thought was strange since I didn’t order anything from them. Also strange, my middle name was misspelled. (Douglass.) Somehow, I immediately knew that the package was from the mysterious Mr. Warren and that it would have something to do with nude men. Sure enough, this is what Noah sent me.

MD-BF also gave me my birthday present this week, as he was buying me new glasses and Lenscrafters had a sale that was ending on Saturday. My last pair of glasses were from college, and while the frames are cool, they’re too narrow for my enormous, round face. With MD-BF’s passion for fashion, we decided that these awesome frames were a much better fit.

And of course, I already started buying presents for myself. Normally, I hate shopping in SoHo because trendy = expensive. However, I happened to find a little boutique that had 50% off men’s clothes. I managed walk away with long sleeve shirt and a new fall jacket that actually fit my giant (length, not girth) arms!

6. America’s Next Top Model!
So far I’m voting rooting for:

Lesbianic Elina.

Black Fran Drescher.

Hoochie Ghetto Asian.

And of course…

Tranny Isis.

7. Project Runway!

I’m so sad for my girl Terri. Sure she was a little cocky, but I thought she had the talent to back it up. My inside sources tell me that the 6 remaining designers were all at Bryant Park, which means that “the Suede” and Joe got to show. Ugh. What were you thinking Heidi?

The only redeeming part of this last episode was that this happened:

So bad it’s good!

1. Getting My Groove Back.
I’m happy to report that this time when I say, “I’m working on my show” I actually mean it. MD-BF and I have a new Sunday morning habit of hanging out at Starbucks for a few hours while I work diligently on my show, and he feeds his caffeine addiction. (Okay, we’re both addicted.) In a perfect world I would be writing more than once a week. But in that perfect world, I also wouldn’t have a full time job that got in the way of writing. (Of course, I would also have my Brooklyn Crafting Studio and Amy Sedaris would be my bestie.)

2. Homework.
I have some “research” to do for my show. Currently at home from Netflix, I have a copy of Bye Bye Birdie that I’m trying to force myself to watch. If anyone has a copy of The Vagina Monologues or Madonna’s Truth or Dare (which oddly, isn’t available on Netflix), please let me know. Thanks.

3. Work.
I’m thinking about going back down to four days a week. I’ve been putting in 9-10 hour days anyway. So doesn’t it make sense to only suffer 4 days a week instead of 5? Of course, trying to do 5 days worth of work in 4, may turn those 9-10 hour days into 11-12 hour ones. But at least I’ll have that extra day off to recoup.

4. Yoga.
If I have that extra day off of work I want to start Yoga classes. When I was young, because I spent so much of my free time writing, my parents always teased me that I when I grew up I was gonna be a goateed poet who spent all of my time in coffee shops. And while I can’t deny the coffee shop part of the prediction, it seems that my hippie tendencies have taken me in a different direction. I don’t eat meat and I want to take Yoga. What’s next, I’m gonna throw out my TV? (Doubtful. Especially since I still don’t have one to throw out.)

5. TV.
I have to buy one this week. Top Model premiers on Wednesday!!! Thankfully, my BF is a T.M. junkie too, so I can just watch it at his place. However, there are two other shows premiering this week that I’m too ashamed to watch in front of my BF.

6. Sarah Palin.
Of course I immediately hate her and everything she stands for. However, if just for a moment, I was able to suspend my disbelief and pretend that she wasn’t an evil witch, this photo of her from the NY Times would make me hate her 1% less:

7. Project Runway.

I was a little worried that without my beloved Nina Garcia there this week, the wrong person might get sent home. Thankfully, once I saw that Blayne, Lady Leather and Keith were in the bottom three, I was able to breath a sigh of relief.

Oh Keith, I liked you during Episode One. But as soon as Episode Two hit and I spotting that fucking rattail sprouting out of the back of your head, my distaste for you put you just below Sarah Palin on the Brian Kennedy Scale of Hatred.

Also, who the fuck is this bitch and why does she have her own show on Bravo? For me, she falls right below Meg Ryan on said Scale of Hatred.

5. Triple Date.
This week, in order to inspire me to get back to work on my own One Woman Show, I saw two very funny ladies perform their shows at the UCB. Instead of going by myself and drinking alone in the back row, I decided to try and make an event of it and invite some friends. As it turns out, none of my single friends could make it so I turned into Couples Night. I dragged along MD-BF and two of my very best hags (Jeannie and Beta) who brought their BFs (Adam1 and Adam2.) After the show we all went over to the Trailer Park Lounge for margaritas, tater tots and sweet potato fries. Beta, MD-BF and I entered Swingtown by having a threesome over a Lover’s Concerto. (Imagine a small fountain filled with slushy strawberry margarita heaven, and add three straws.)

6. My Upcoming B’Day.
I’ve decided against having a split Housewarming/B’Day party this year, as 1.) Jeannie, Adam and I have been dragging our asses and have yet to decorate the Living Room. (We haven’t even made time to sit down and discuss what the phrase “too much kitsch” means to everyone.) And 2.) I don’t want to ask people to trek all the way out to the ghetto of Brooklyn. (My neighborhood isn’t actually that bad. But when it’s 3am and you’re the only white person walking back to the subway and you’re drunk out of your mind… you might start to think otherwise.)

I’ve also ruled out a birthday dinner. I hate asking all of my friends to pick up my portion of the tab (where the amount each person owes is almost as high as my age), especially since in every circle of friends there’s always that one person who never forks over enough money. It happens at every birthday dinner I’ve ever been too… do all my friends have the same cheap friend? Or are we all being collectively cheap?

This year, in order to save that one kind friend who always ends up having to pony up the extra cash, I’ve decided to just hang out at a bar for a few hours this year. That way there’s no tab, and not everyone has to spend money on me. Unless of course only five people show up. If that’s the case, you’re all buying me a drink. I’ve decided 5 drinks is the minimum one should have on their birthday. 5 should probably also be the maximum. Unless the bartender is making weak drinks. If the drinks are weak, it’s okay to double your maximum number.

Now that the rules are all set… it’s time to pick a suitable bar for me to turn 29 at. Last night MD-BF and I researched two. Both are by his apartment, which is ideal because after 10 weak drinks, I would rather try and walk the alcohol off for a few blocks then endure a bumpy cab ride back to Brooklyn.

Bar #1 (Disiac) had a lovely backyard patio with pillows all over the floor, which will be helpful in case I get fall-over-drunk. However, the vibe was a little shi-shi, and I don’t want to ask my poor friends to nurse one drink all night long. Bar #2 (Bar 9) definitely gave off that dive bar feel (which is a plus in my book.) They had a jute box and couches in the back, which is nice, but the couches are under a roof. I guess I just have to decide what’s more important to me: Fresh air and higher prices? Or stale air and lower prices?

7. Project Runway.

Best. Episode. Ever?

My only disappointment was that my beloved Terri was robbed of winning the challenge yet again.

Fierce.

No, the title of this post isn’t a reference to that god-awful song sung by that god-awful slut, Miley Cyrus. Instead, it’s a new weekly feature that I’m adding to my blog.

Since I’ve stopped blogging on a daily basis, I’m sure you’re all wondering what boring, self-deprecating, semi-neurotic musing on my homosexual lifestyle you’ve been missing on out.

So, to appease the masses (there are masses, right?)… here are 7 Things I Would Have Blogged About This Week.

1. My Hair.
As much as I loved my short, Robyn-esque, dyke hair this summer, I’ve decided to grow it back out again for the fall. Specifically for my b’day. I’ve already picked out the outfit I plan to wear, so why not have the hair to match? The good news is that my hair grows fast. The bad news is that it’s not growing fast enough. Last week my hair entered it’s “Awkward Phase.” Currently, I look like a person with short hair who is too lazy or poor to get it cut.

2. My Skin.
It’s flaking. I got some serious sunburn in Miami. The parts of my body that had not seen the light of day since I was young and carefree enough to run around outdoors wearing just a diaper, turned unpleasantly pink. In the past week I’ve shed almost an entire layer of skin. Like a snake. Or someone with severe psoriasis who can’t stop scratching at it.

3. The Olympics.
I’m actually enjoying watching them!

Behold the power of Adonis-like men in spandex!

I suspect that my love of all things competitive is also to blame.

4. Work.
Surprise, surprise… I continue to hate my job. I’ve been looking for something new, but with the economy as shitty as it is, I’d probably have a better chance of winning the lottery and retiring early than finding a new job that will pay me a comparable salary to what I make now, working in hell. And speaking of hell… the one co-worker that I actually liked working with in the dungeon quit. So now, instead of doing the work of two people… I’ll be doing the work of three people, as my third co-worker continues to get paid to be a professional e-mailer.

5. Airline Outrage.
My sister and one of my dear Hags have been bugging to me come home for a quick visit this fall. My sis wants me to bring home Doctor Boyfriend to meet the rest of the fam, and my Hag wants me to come home to meet the love child that I may-or-may-not have fathered. (J/K, sickos.) It used to be that I could get a flight home for just under $200. Yeah, and I also remember the days when gas was 98 cents a gallon. Now the cheapest deal I could find was in the $300 range… and that was only if I wanted to go home for a week and a half. Tickets for a long weekend were dangerously close to the price of rent. Disgusting. Sorry kiddos, but it looks like I won’t be home again until Christmas. (Assuming of course, that I get approved for the small loan I’ll need to take out .)

6. Running.
Thursday night after work I went for an extremely long run in Central Park. Afterwards, Doctor Boyfriend took me out for dinner. Unfortunately, I pushed myself too hard during my run, and I suddenly felt nauseous. I took about 5 bites of pasta and spent the rest of my time staring at my plate. I was afraid that if I lifted my head too far up, the bright lights might make my head explode. After dinner MD-BF was sweet enough to put his doctoring skills to use by laying me down on the couch, and treating my illness with a dose of ginger-ale and a Project Runway booster shot. Which brings me to my last point…

7. Project Runway.
How could they have sent Kelli home?

Really? Over Blayne? I was having flashbacks to last season’s Ricky Gate.

Also, I still hate Brooke Shields.

SJP, you ain’t.