DAY 81: Top Ten Favorite Things About White Trash Xmas Party.

1. Decorations.


We really out did ourselves this year. On top of Santa’s little helpers coming over last Wednesday to help decorate, Jeffrey and I got up at 9am this morning and didn’t stop decking the halls until 7pm. That’s 10 hours of cooking and cleaning and gettin’ crafty with tinsel and mistletoe. You may have noticed in the bottom picture that I decorated our doors with wrapping paper. While doing so, I could feel the spirit of perpetually-lonely grade school teacher entering my body… like when Patrick Swayze became Whoopie Goldberg in Ghost. (For more pics of how fabulous everything looked, check out Jeffrey’s post.)

2. Black Santa.

I stole this from a bar I had a show at earlier this month. And no, I don’t feel bad about stealing it. They had quite a few black Santas, I doubt they’ve even noticed that it’s missing. Beside, I did it in the name of diversity.

3. The Jew Room.

And speaking of diversity… Jeffrey and I decorated the back room in Jew colors (blue & silver.) At sundown we lit the Menorah and told all of our non Jesus-loving friends that they had to stay in the back of the house. Just kidding. I don’t have any non Jesus-loving friends. I only hang out with Christians.

4. Jeffrey’s Twinkie Tower!

I turned into my mother and baked cookies. Jeffrey turned into this woman and made a pyramid of Twinkies, topped with BBQ pork rinds. He also made a 6 layer dip, because at C-Town we couldn’t remember what the 7th layer was supposed to be. The cookies, dip and all but one or two smashed Twinkies were gone by the end of the night.

5. Getting Exactly What I Wanted In The White Elephant Gift Exchange.

I got a spice rack, y’all! It was a very intense game of White Elephant that made some of our guest uncomfortable. Obviously, they have never been to a Gayme Night at our house. The three hottest items were the spice rack, some Jay Strongwater jewelry, and a ceramic drinking cup that was in the form of a hot air balloon. It said “Paris” on it, but it was from some hotel in Vegas. I didn’t quite get it, but everyone else wanted it. All three items passed through my hands at one point, but in the end I was left with the Jay Strongwater, which was perfect because it was what Jeanne really wanted, so I had her steal the spice rack back for me and we secretly swapped afterwards. Jeffrey ended up with the balloon cup (?) which he was sweating, so for the three of us, Christmas wasn’t ruined. My favorite part about the exchange was that I got to steal other people’s presents, meaning that I didn’t have to open any. I have this strange phobia of opening up presents in front of other people. But stealing, I obviously have no problem with.

6. Other People Not Getting What They Wanted In The White Elephant Gift Exchange.


The whole point of the W.E.G.E. is to take joy in watching other people get stuck with shitty gifts. If you had taken a poll right after the exchange I think everyone would have agreed that the sheet music to a song from “Gypsy” was probably the worst gift. Some people were actually furious. To me, it was the best gift, especially because I didn’t receive it. I applaud it as a gift. I wish there would have been more like it. The second point of the W.E.G.E. is to get rid of shit you don’t want anymore. In hindsight, I wish I had thought to wrap up the 7/8 full bottle of Canadian Club Whiskey that someone brought to my last party.

7. People Who Actually Wore Cheesy Holiday Garb!





My don’t I look sassy? Yes, my sweater is homemade. And yes, those bows are strategically placed.

8. The Penis Pokey Book.

I knew the party was a success the moment I turned around and saw R.’s wienie hanging out. The book was passed around by a few people brave/drunk enough to give it a try. Let’s just hope no one had pubic lice. (For a NSFW version of the Penis Pokey, click here.)

9. The Sleeping Asian.


Some random, stoned Asian chick fell asleep at our party. Being the horrible people that we are, we all laughed and took pictures. But come on, it’s funny!

10. Spreading Some Holiday Cheer With My Besties.



If your pic is not above, then we’re probably not as close of friends as you think we are. But thanks for coming to my party!

And now, for my least favorite thing about White Trash Xmas Party…

The post party clean up.

But on the bright side, there’s plenty of leftover beer:

Christmas is saved!

DAY 65: Happy T-day!

Thanksgiving was quite the success this year. I made my way over to the lovely tree-lined streets of Ditmas Park, Brooklyn:

For an evening of giving thanks with the Fippel Sisters & Friends.

It was a good, even mix of people. Two straights, two homos, two lesbos, and two cats, Toots and Poots:

“We like turkey.“

I arrived early to get a head start on drinking wine and eating appetizers:

While the Sister’s Fippel slaved away on the rest of our feast:

Which featured as the main course, Tofurkey!:

“Better you than me,” was my mother’s response when I told her about the Tofurk. Surprisingly, it was quite delicious. Besides, ever since coming off the Master Cleanse, I have been a strict pescetarian.

And speaking of the Master Cleanse, I really feel like I should be doing a salt water flush tomorrow morning, based on how much pie I ate. I started off with a decent-sized slice of pumpkin, quickly followed by a tiny sliver of chocolate pecan, that was then washed down with a slightly bigger sliver of pecan, which was finished off with another half slice of pumpkin.

After dessert I let my stomach settle by partaking in some competitive game playing and some reality TV watching. (SIDENOTE: My favorite part of playing Taboo was when Beta’s main clue for “omelet” was using the article “an.”)

Much to my stomach’s dismay, I left Ditmas Park with another slice of pumpkin pie, which I plan on eating for breakfast tomorrow morning. After getting off the Q train, and arriving back in Bed-Stuy, I decided to walk the rest of the way home, instead of catching the G or a bus. Quite honestly, my body could use the exercise. However, the minute I got home, I had a handful of Wheat Thins. I guess I just wasn’t used to going without food for more than 30 minutes.

Although I had a great time at my Bushwick Thanksgiving last year, I have to say that this year wins, only because I didn’t accidentally start my bangs on fire while trying to light a cigarette off the stove.

Now if only I didn’t have to go to work tomorrow…

DAY 61: Friends Being Friends.

Today was everything a Sunday should be. After sleeping in and lounging around at my neighborhood coffee shop all morning, I met up with Jeannie and her BF for brunch. We were of course running on Jeanne Time, which means that brunch didn’t start until 3:15pm. By the time we left the restaurant it was dark out already. It was also quite cold, but thankfully we had drank more than our far share of (bottomless) champagne, so our bodies had a false sense of warmth for the walk home.

Back at my apartment Jeffrey awaited and Lady R. came over to join in on the festivities. We watched The Muppet Show, followed by some really hot gay porn, followed by the most hilariously disgusting thing I have ever seen: Two Girls, One Cup.

(I’m not linking Two Girls, One Cup on here, not because I am too grossed out by it, but because I’m too lazy to find the link. It’s sort of hard to find, you have to sift through a lot of “reaction” videos to find it. But if you can locate it, I highly recommend watching it. Just not at work, and not while eating a cup full of soft, mushy Rocky Road ice cream.)

But back to less perverted things…

Soon the bottles of wine ran dry, and it was getting late for a school night. Goodbyes and goodnights were said, and everyone bundled up to head home.

Maybe it’s all the booze talking, but today felt like a mini-Thanksgiving for me. (Minus all the food, of course… although Robert did mash up a potato and put it in the microwave.) Anyhow, my point is that my day was spent with people that I love and am thankful to have in my life. If you know me at all, you know that I don’t do cheesy or sentimental, so cherish the moment bitches.

I just feel so happy (and lucky) when my friends from my different walks of life (Jeannie– high school, Robert– random, crazy first year in NY, Jeffrey– improv world) can join together and become friends on their own. It warms my normally cold, lifeless heart.

Unfortunately, I now have to leave this dream world so that I can go to bed and wake up tomorrow to rejoin the ugly working world. Oh well, it was good well it lasted. Thanks, friends.

DAY 35: It’s Cookie Time!

Tonight I went over to Jeannie’s for some good old fashioned domesticity: baking cookies!

I like Jeannie’s kitchen because it has windows. My kitchen does not. My kitchen has a futon because it is also our living room. My kitchen is not conducive to cooking, it is conducive to pouring a bowl of cereal and watching TV.

Jeannie’s kitchen also had dinner waiting for me, which my kitchen did not. So I hopped the bus, made a quick stop at the liquor store where I picked out a bottle of red from behind the bulletproof glass, and joined the party.

After dinner (and a few glasses of wine) it was cookie time. Our plan was to make Halloween cookies, but the only Halloween themed cookie cutter we had was an anorexic witch. For the rest, we had to get creative.

Here’s Edith holding what was supposed to be a clown… which I guess can be scary. But I thought it looked more like a wolf on it’s hind legs, howling at the moon. I also discovered that it you turned the tulip cookie cutter upside down it looked like a ghost, or a KKK member.

Other than that we had a boat (the Titanic sinking… very scary), a seal and a camel (scary for people with strange animal phobias) and a giant cowboy boot (for people who are afraid of trendy SoHo fashion.)

Unfortunately, no one told the guy in charge of mixing the frosting that we wanted Halloween colors. Instead we ended up with fuchsia, periwinkle, avocado green and snot green frosting. Thankfully, we managed to turn the avocado green into black, and there was a tiny amount of white frosting left for us to make orange, which turned out to be more of a burnt sienna, everyone’s favorite Crayola color.

Needless to say, we had some very interesting Halloween cookies:

But hey, it’s the taste that counts.

DAY 33: Adventures Outdoors & With The MTA.

Mother Nature must have known that I’ve had a case of the SADS lately, because today she ordered up a beautiful, summer-esque day.

Sick and tired of feeling sick of tired, I decided to hop the bus to Prospect Park this afternoon and take in a little fresh air. I had forgotten what nature smelled (and looked) like.

After walking around for hours (and confirming my suspicions via the internet, once I returned home) I discovered that Prospect Park is BIG y’all! But it had done me good to wonder the park aimlessly. Even though my mouth was still producing extra silva thanks to this cold/sinus infection/possible STD that I just can’t shake, I felt somewhat renewed.

Wanting to stay above ground, I decided to take the bus back home. I impatiently got on the first bus I saw hoping that it would take me in the right direction. I rode the bus until I sort of felt like it was time to get off. Luck was on my side for once, and I found the B38 just a few blocks away. Once on the B38, I felt comfortable knowing that I was indeed headed in the right direction, and got back to reading No One Belongs Here More Than You, a collection of short stories by Miranda July, where curious things happen to curious people.

It wasn’t until the second time the bus driver said it, that I realized I was at the last stop and the bus was now completely empty. I hadn’t been on that long, so I knew I couldn’t have missed my stop. As it turns out, I had gotten on the B38 going the wrong way. And instead of anything curious happening to me, I just ended up having to walk an extra long way to get back to where I started from. Ah well, such is life.

DAY 17: God Bless Large Corporations.

Tonight after work Sha and I met up in the city to run some errands (Bed, Bath & Beyond for the 8 millionth time this month) before heading home to Bed-Stuy for a quite evening of pizza, brewskies and lots of TV.

Our plans, however, were foiled as soon as we exited the subway station. Outside we were greeted with lots of hubbubing and an odd sense community about the air. (Usually it’s every man for himself at the KFC.) We saw a bunch of girls walking around with hobo bindles, and my first thought was that it was some stupid bachelorette party gone horribly, horribly wrong since they were lost and wandering the streets of Bed-Stuy.

However, we soon discovered that the bindles were Target bindles, and that Target was hosting a huge party to celebrate the Community Garden that just opened up a few doors down from us. Not wanting to miss out on an opportunity to get free stuff, Sha and I booked it down the street, we didn’t even stop at my house to drop off our bags.

As it turns out, the community garden was the place to be on a Friday night in Brooklyn. There was a DJ spinning, little kids dancing, cater-waiters walking around with refreshments and carameled apples, and three fire pits for roasting marshmellows. It was so crowded that I almost didn’t get my bindle! Just as I was walking towards the bindle-giver, 8 sassy black women bum rushed me and I had to fight to get the second to last bindle.

Sha and I made some s’mores (our bindles were filled with additional s’more supplies), enjoyed the music, and then walked out of there with a bunch of the collapsible roasting stick. Thanks Target!

(For an even more exciting story of the Target Community Garden, check out Jeffrey’s blog. His version includes a celebrity gay icon!)