DAY 179: Spending Less, But Getting More.

Today, in my continued attempt to save money this month, I learned how to feed two of my more expensive addictions by only spending a fraction of the money:

1. American Apparel.
I hate shopping, except when it comes to AA. Yes, their clothes are ridiculously expensive (especially for how cheaply they’re made), but I like them because 1.) They’re simple, 2.) I can mix and match, 3.) They actually fit me.

Today was “causal Friday” at work. I wore jeans and a lime green t-shirt. Apparently, t-shirt do not classify as “causal.” Only collared shirts do. I acted all pissy (or at least, more pissy than usual) and my boss gave me $50 dollars out of petty cash to buy some polos.

Now if I really wanted to save money, I could have taken advantage of the 2 for $50 sale at the Gap. But as soon as I stepped into Le Gap, I had an immediate allergic reaction to preppy, and walked right back out. Sure, it might have cost me $14, but I’ll gladly take faux-hipster over preppy any day.

2. iTunes.
Ever since I got Dolly (my Nano) fixed, I have been itching to purchase some new songs. This morning, I got very excited when I found out that this song was finally available for downloading. I spent the $0.99, but then quickly stepped away from the computer. I’ve been down that slippery slope before. Your intention is to just buy one song, but soon you’re checking out what “Listeners Also Bought,” and BAM! you just dropped $20.

However, when I got home tonight, I couldn’t stop thinking about new music. So instead of going on my iTunes, I stole Jeffrey’s computer (with his consent of course) and burned three CDs worth of songs from his iTunes.

Here are some highlights of my new additions:

Low (feat. T-Pain), Flo Rida
Ghetto Superstar (That Is What You Are), Pras
None of Your Business, Salt-N-Peppa
No Scrubs, TLC
All 4 Love, Color Me Bad
Blowin’ Me Up, JC Chasez
Where’s the Party, Madonna
They Don’t Know, Tracey Ullman
Queen of Hearts, Juice Newton
Brandy (You’re A Fine Girl), Looking Glass
Afternoon Delight, Starland Vocal Band
Something to Talk About, Bonnie Raitt
Room on Fire, Stevie Nicks
Let It Be, Brooke White (American Idol)
Lots of Tori

Thanks roomsie! (I promise not to tell anyone that you have this guy on your iTunes.)

DAY 175: Life In A Shithole.

The shit is about to hit the fan at Gay Gardens. Or rather, it already has and now the fan has spread it all around, forcing Jeffrey and I to live in a shit-spattered apartment.

Here’s the short version of what’s going on:

*Our slum landlord is a jerk.

*Jeffrey’s floor is sinking into the basement.

*Jeffrey has to start literally living in the the living room, as the city comes to tear up our floors.

*We have stopped paying the rent.

For the complete story, check out Jeffrey’s blog.

In other, very important news, here are my Idol votes for the evening:

(Yes, I know my beloved Herndog wasn’t very good this week. But I voted with my penis on that one.)

DAY 137: All Dressed Up (In Layers) With No Place To Go.

Tonight my date canceled on me. I can’t be mad at him because we only had “tentative” plans to grab a drink, as he claims to be in the process of getting over the flu. I was really hoping for him to pull through, but I guess he just wasn’t feeling up to it. Either that, or he’s major jerkoff.

Oh well, his loss. I was having a really good hair day. Plus I was wearing my brand new (to me) checkered cowboy shirt that I bought for $1.99 at the Salvation Army in Hazleton, PA.

So instead of going out on a Saturday night, I sat at home. Alone. In the cold.

Yup, we still don’t have heat. I tried calling our landlord again, but I could only get through to his answering service. The chick I ended up talking to was obviously reading from a script, and her delivery was not very convincing:

CHICK: Message Center, can I help you?

ME: Hi, I’m calling for [Insert name of douchebag landlord here.]

CHICK: Who?

ME: [Insert name of douchebag landlord again.]

CHICK: What’s your name?

ME: [Insert name here.]

CHICK: Your address?

ME: [Insert address here.]

CHICK: I’m sorry, but [Your douchebag landlord] is not in right now.

—Cut ahead to the end of our conversation—

ME: Well, thanks for your help.

CHICK: Have a nice afternoon.

It was 7:55pm.

I should have probably spent my evening trying to set up dates for next week. But instead I ate half a pot cookie which got me really, really stoned. I watched episodes of SWC, Ab Fab, and this delightful clip.

I also put on some Daft Punk and went stoner crazy with my digital camera, taking crazy pictures of all the candles I had lit in my room, in a sad attempt to warm the place up.

Much later, in a much sober state, I made this video. It took me about three hours to complete what you see below, so that’s why it cuts out after two minutes.

Enjoy in any state of mind:

DAY 135: The End Of My Single Life / The End Of My Tether.

Tonight was my last night of singledom before I embark on my month long dating journey. To celebrate, Jeffrey, Jeannie and I had our weekly food/booze/reality tv bonanza. I defied seasons and made an avocado summer pasta, and Jeffrey and Jeannie supplied the wine. Our five course tv dinner included: South Park, Celebrity Rehab, Janice Dickinson Tranny Fest, American Idol, and Make Me A Supermodel. Jeffrey’s latest boytoy showed up just in time to help us polish off a whole plate of (No Pudge!) Brownies and our third bottle of red. And as always, the night ended with all of us piled on Jeffrey’s bed, watching the latest straight boys-who-happen-to-like-dick on Corbin Fisher.

It was a lovely last evening of freedom… except for the fact that we still don’t have any heat. Our boiler shut down again Wednesday night around 8pm, for like, the fifth or six time this winter. Jeffrey left some angry messages for our cheap ass landlord and his questionable “electrician,” while I called 311.

Hopefully, I’ll meet some nice boys next month who will keep me warm. Wow, I can’t believe I just typed that last sentence without barfing.

UPDATE #1: You know what’s worse than not having any heat? Not having any electricity on top of not having any heat. This morning around 8:45am, right when Jeffrey was in the shower, the electricity shut off. Jeffrey and I did a little role reversal and this time I called our landlord while Jeffrey called 311. Jeffrey said that if he had to speak to our landlord right now, there would be death threats. And I could tell that he totally meant it. When I called our landlord he sounded tired and not at all concerned. The best he could do was promise to “try and make some phone calls.” Gee, thanks. I’m pretty anti-confrontational, so in my kindest voice I stressed to him how important it was for us to have heat and electricity. Ridiculous, right? What’s even more ridiculous is that I am afraid of annoying/pissing off our landlord. According to Jeffrey (who is now officially the Heather Locklear to our Melrose Place), our new neighbors upstairs fought so much with our landlord that he told them he would not renew their lease. You would think that after all Jeffrey and I have been through this winter we wouldn’t want our lease renewed either, but after spending hundreds of dollar in paint and countless hours of blood, sweat and tears trying to fix this place up, I am telling you… I’m not going nowhere.

UPDATE #2: Our landlord just stopped by. Jeffrey and I played nice and pretended not to hate him, and he played along by pretending to feel bad. He even offered to move us into a different building of his, which is… weird? Thankfully, our power is back on now and according to my new BFF landlord, a “big” heating company is coming over to look at the boiler, which will hopefully be more effective than the usual cornies he sends over, like the guy who punched holes into Jeffrey’s wall. Now I’m sitting at home waiting for the boiler guy. So at least there’s a silver lining to be found in this madness… I get to be super late for work!

UPDATE #3: The boiler guy was supposed to be here at 11:00am, its now 11:45am. My landlord is not answering his phone and the phone number he gave me for the boiler guy is incorrect. I have to leave for work by noon, whether or not anyone shows up. Shit… I kid you not, just as I typed that last sentence, my radiator started hissing. Someone did something. What a crazy roller coaster of emotional feeling towards my landlord I have been on this morning!

UPDATE #4: Fuck, I spoke too soon. There was lots of shouting coming from the basement. My landlord just came up and told me that they have to replace the boiler… hopefully this weekend. Which means, maybe by next weekend. He told me to buy a space heater and he would reimburse me. Um yeah, I did that back in October the first time the boiler broke down. How about reimbursing me for our sky high electricity bills for the past four months?

DAY 120: Freeze Out.

For the 18th million time this winter, our heat is not working. Tuesday night our heat finally came back on for the first time in days. But by Wednesday morning it was off again and not only had we lost all heat, but we lost power too. I got to take a very sexy shower by candlelight.

Tonight we had Jeannie and Adam over for Project Runway and our poor guests had to keep their coats on all night. We made pizza and just kept oven on, with the door wide open, in hopes to warm the place up.

And speaking of frigid bitches…

Maybe I’m just a little bit stoned right now, but I found this video very compelling to watch:

What an Ice Queen under that facade of giggles!

DAY 117: This Old House / Goodbye Mouse.

This evening while working on my Project Runway recap, Jeffrey knocked on my door to tell me that his wall was on fire. Sure enough, I went into his room and there was a small, yet steady, stream of smoke pouring out of the outlet behind his bed. After the smoke stopped, some little Jewish man wearing a flashlight on his head came over and did some quick rewiring.

Apparently, the problem is now solved. However, Jeffrey and I still decided to put it on our ever-growing “List of Things to Talk to the Landlord About.”

The rest of the list includes:

1. Leaky kitchen sink.
2. Leaky shower head.
3. Warped floorboards from leaky radiator.
4. Radiator not working again.
5. Open wiring hanging from ceiling in front hall where light bulb should be.
6. Gaping holes in Jeffrey’s bedroom.

The only problem that Jeffrey and I have been able to fix on our own, is our mouse problem. Besides the one that I drowned two months ago, Jeffrey and I teamed up and exterminated another one today.

This new mouse I first noticed late last Thursday night while watching Make Me A Supermodel. I heard a rustling noise on top of our fridge, and sure enough, there was Mr. Mousey, V2.0. Yes, that’s right, he was on top of our fridge.

Earlier today, Jeffrey knocked on my door to tell me that the mouse was back. He was on top of the fridge again, snacking away on Jeffrey’s hamburger buns. It was actually kind of cute to see his little mouse tail sticking out of a bag of buns. But not cute enough… I grabbed a bucket and a broom, and Jeffrey grabbed his camera.

Here’s how two gay guys get rid of a mouse:

As soon as I let him go outside, he immediately tried to run back in. If you look closely, you can see him running down our steps as I swat at him with the broom. But don’t look too close… you might turn gay!

DAY 112: This Old Man / This Old House.

Last night I was awaken from my slumbers shortly after falling asleep, by the sound of my new neighbors stomping around above me. Well, either my new neighbors were stomping, or my old neighbors were too light and airy to ever make any noise (except for the time I heard them having very loud, orgasmic sex.)

As new neighbors walked back and forth above me like this, I considering getting out of bed and grabbing the broom to tap the ceiling with. But then I suddenly felt like a cartoon-ish old crummudgeon. One who sits around in his long jonhs, watching Jeopardy and eating canned corn straight out of the can.

After a while I fell back asleep, but only to be roused a few hours later, this time by the symphony of radiators that has been playing in my apartment.

Jeffrey and I first started having radiators problems Sunday during The Amazing Race. The radiators in Jeffrey’s room and the front hall sound like they’re popping the world’s largest bowl of popcorn (or like a Tribal drum/bongo routine, according to Jeffrey.) And the one in my room makes a loud twanging noise, that sounds like it’s coming from miles below my room.

All three look like they are about to break through our warped floorboards and crash into the basement at any moment. And that would not be a good thing since Jeffrey and I fear our Pan’s Labyrinth basement.

Thankfully, last night’s (this morning’s?) performance was only a light encore. I turned the heat all the way off, and they stopped moments later.

The other good news is that we don’t really need heat right now anyway. It’s springtime in New York already. Today’s high was 64 degrees. Woo-hoo, the end of the world is upon us! I just hope that when the world does end, I am not sent to the depths below my apartment to live in eternal damnation with this guy.

DAY 107: These Are A Few Of My Least Favorite Things…

Yesterday over g-chat, I typed the following message to Jeffrey:

me: god, i feel like i’ve been in MN for a whole year already
i’m going crazy
must get back to NY
except i’m not looking forward to our bathroom or work

Boy howdy, did I sure know what I was talking about!

When I stepped into our bathroom this morning, I might as well have stepped out into our backyard to take my shower. For some reason, our bathroom is an arctic hell. Jeffrey is convinced that it is built on top of an ancient Indian burial ground, and we both like to joke about how Time Out NY has rated it one of the “Top 5 Worst Bathrooms in Brooklyn.” Seriously, I’m going to have to start dressing like this, just to use the shitter.

(Interesting sidenote: When you google image search “arctic hell” this NSFW image is on the first page.)

As far as work went today… Uff Da! (Sorry, MN lingo still fresh in my mind.)

Work was much too painful to describe in detail. So instead, below are my tallies to give you a good idea of just how god-awful my first day back at the funny pharm was.

Number of hours worked: 12

Number of Grande Mistos: 3

Number of TastyKakes: 6

Number of breaks: 0

Number of times e-mail was checked: 0

Number of times I candidly discussed quitting: 2

Number of Saturdays I agreed to work this month: 2

Number of idiots who work too hard at a job they don’t even like: 1

DAY 54: Catching Up.

I’m back! Horray! Sorry for leaving you for so long, dear readers. I promise never to do it again. In order to make up for my absence, here are 14 things that I probably would have blogged/whined about the past two weeks, had I not been busy starving/shitting my brains out:

1. The Temperature of Our Apartment. Jeffrey and I are living in an ice box! After a few empty promises our landlord has yet to turn the heat on. Much like the baby Jesus, I have been wrapping myself in swaddling clothes at night, shivering myself to sleep. At least I have my little space heater. Now when I’m at home I just camp out in front of that thing all night long. Today our landlord came by with the electrician to turn on the boiler. (Perfect timing, I was one step away from calling 311 on his cheap ass.) They flipped whatever switch needed flipping and Praise Allah! we had heat… for a few minutes. I knew it was too good to be true. One of the radiators in Jeffrey’s room started hissing like crazy. The electrician took one look at it punched a few holes into Jeffrey’s wall. Now we are once again without heat, and Jeffrey’s room has a new “Someone Crazy Lives Here” look.

2. Reality TV. Survivor: China has been the best season in years. Tyra Banks has been an absolute fucknut on ANTM this cycle. The Amazing Race is back. And Project Runway starts in T minus 3 days! My life has never felt more complete.

3. Halloween. Had I not be Master Cleansing, I probably would have had a really whiny blog about how I waited until the very last minute to look for a Halloween costume, therefore leaving me with nothing cool to wear at some stupid party that I probably wouldn’t be having any fun at, therefore leaving me with nothing to do but consume lots of Halloween candy, therefore leaving me to complain about being full for days.

4. Thanksgiving. I have yet to make any plans for Turkey Day. Jeffrey is going to be out of town, so of course I’m going to have lots of sex parties. Should I just ask all my Johns to bring a dish to share and we can have a potluck in between fuckfests?

5. The Magic of Christmas. I know it’s way too early, but I’m already excited for Christmas. Maybe I should just chalk it up to my crazy-unstable-Cleanse-induced mind, but last weekend I walking through the Brooklyn Target and feeling really homesick, when I suddenly found myself in the Christmas section and I was instantly cured! I’ve already made up my mind that I’m having a cheesy, puffy-paint-sweater-wearing holiday party this year. I can’t wait to decorate and bake cookies! I just turned into a really gay version of my mother.

6. Christmas Shopping. It’s never too early to start freaking out over it.

7. Britney’s New Album. Is it wrong that I don’t hate it? I’ve never been a huge Brit fan, but that was mainly because before she wasn’t owning up to her own white trashiness. And believe you me, bitch owns it now. And you know us gays, we can’t help but love a hotmess! However, my theory about the album is that it’s not actually Britney. It’s RoboBritney. I’m serious. Have you listened to it? They’ve replaced this with this.

8. Jake Gyllenhal, Clive Owen & Jeremy Northam. I’m sure each of their names would have come up at least once in the past 14 days.

9. Work. The perverted old man that I work with in the dungeon is leaving me. Worse yet, he’s being replaced by a peppy, wholesome breeder. The half bull dyke, Latina chick that I work with down there and I have decided to hold a contest to see who can make the new girl cry the fastest.

10. Being Broke. Yup, I’m broke again. I only have $75 left in my checking account. I thought with this being a 3 pay period month I would be able to get back on track, but my next two paychecks are already spoken for thanks to my credit card bill and rent. Looks like someone’s gonna be turning tricks again if they plan on buying Christmas presents this year. “Do you like that sweater Grandma? You better, I had to suck a lot of dick to get it.“

11. My IKEA dresser. I’ve been hemming and hawing over wether or not I should suck it up and order my IKEA dresser. One hand, I’m getting really sick of keeping all my clothes in a $5 set of wire crates from Bed, Bath & Beyond that is constantly falling apart. On the other, I can’t justify paying a $115 shipping fee on a $129 dresser. I was all set to buy it last week, but then I signed up for yet another improv class. And I wonder why I’m so broke…

12. My Vagina. It’s doing just fine. Thanks for asking.

13. Things That Make Me Want to Claw My Eyes Out. Mainly this.

14. Men Problems, or the Lack There Of. Yeah, so I sort of lost focus on the purpose of this blog. I’ve been lazy… too lazy to even hook up for anonymous sex anymore. Hello, Handies! I promise to get back on track and start working on the list again. I have a few top secret projects related to this that have been gestating (read: collecting dust) in my head. I promise to put them into motion soon and prepare to make a fool of myself in the dating world. Fun reads ahead!