More Proof That Fire Island Really Happened…

Momma’s Little Helper.

Lady R. came over this afternoon to help me pack.

And by pack, I mean sit on my bed and read me excerpts from US Weekly.

I Should Have Been Packing…

…But last night I went and saw Devo at McCarren Park Pool instead.

Totally worth it. Any group that has a song called “Mongoloid” is a-okay in my book.

Sure, maybe throwing all those beers back with the MaryLand crew before, during, and after the concert wasn’t a good strategy for getting up early and packing this morning.

But it sure helped me to blow off some steam and let go of all the stress that the past few weeks have brought.

Whip it good, y’all!

When I Grow Up… I Want To Be Settled!

Sorry for the lack of posts recently dear readers. Time has not been on my side. I’m moving in 4 days. I have yet to pack a single box.

Yesterday I had a mini-panic attack at work. I made of list of everything I had to do before my move and felt (slightly) better. However, while eating leftover Chinese for lunch, I got this fortune:

“You will make many changes before settling satisfactorily.”

Um, thanks fortune cookie. As if moving didn’t suck enough already, you’re now telling me that I’m going to have to do it many times over again before I find peace of mind? Awesome.

I swear, the only thing that is allowing me to keep my head above water through out all this, is this song:

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t try and strut down 8th Ave the way the girls do in this video. Yes, I have no shame left. But come on… it’s good, trashy fun. Would you expect anything less from me?

Stressin’ & Listin’.

Please forgive me dear readers for the lack of posts recently. My stress levels are at an all time high right now. Apartment hunting in NYC is not something that I would wish on my own worst enemies. Actually… I probably would wish it upon them. I’m spiteful like that.

In fear of jinxing myself, I don’t want to actually post about my apartment hunt until it’s finished. Which better be soon. I don’t think my heart can palpated much faster.

One thing that always makes me feel better and more in control (besides cleaning) is listing.

I have so much to do right now, but so little time. This weekend the gang is off to Mary Land. Which is delightful. And terrifying. I would like to have everything wrapped up before we leave on Friday, but the chances of that happening are slim to never.

Looks like I’ll be forced to make two lists:

THINGS TO DO BY THE END OF TODAY
*Laundry
*Buy sleeping bag (we’re camping at Mary Land)
*Buy air mattress (I’ll be damned if I’m sleeping on the ground)
*Buy new digital camera
*Buy more flip-flops at H&M
*Spend more money that I shouldn’t be spending
*Make playlist for car ride down to Mary Land
*Pack for Mary Land (I’m spending the next two nights at the Good D’s)
*Pack for spending the next two nights at the Good D’s

THINGS I NEED TO DO BY THE END OF THE MONTH
*Find an apartment
*Find a roommate
*Finish all the backlogged episodes of BSG in my DVR
*Pack everything I own
*Move everything I own
*Unpack everything I own
*Not kill myself

Updates IV: Boring Running Updates.

After failing my N.M.P. (New Monthly Project) for April (finishing my one man show) I was determined to kick some ass on May’s N.M.P. (running 3x per week.)

I came so close…

By the end of the first 3 weeks I had a total of 10 runs.  That’s three times a week, plus one extra run thrown in for good measure.  No pussy runs either.  A light run was 4-5 miles.  Heavy runs, 6-7 miles.  (It sorta sounds like I’m talking about diarrhea, right?  You’re welcome.)

For the end of the 3rd week, I had taken the weekend off, as it was Memorial Day Weekend and my entire 4 days were spent drunk on Fire Island, drunk in Hells Kitchen, and drunk in my backyard in Bed-Stuy.  

Because I knew I was taking the weekend off, at the beginning of the 3rd week I had to really push it.  I went for 4 runs in a span of 5 days.  Not a good idea.  Especially since one of those runs was my 7+ mile run around Prospect Park.  

As a result, my right knee had swollen.  But because I spent my entire weekend intoxicated, I hadn’t really noticed that one knee was twice the size of the other.  Come Tuesday morning, however, once I had sobered up… it was painfully obvious.  

On top of my swollen right knee, my right ankle was cut to shreds thanks to our drunken walk through the bramble patch on Fire Island.  I had been wearing flip flops all weekend long, so once again, it wasn’t until I was forced to put shoes on Tuesday morning that I really noticed how much it hurt.

Long story short… my entire right leg was out of commission for the last week of the month.  Which means that I’ve now had two failed N.M.P.’s in a row.

However, on the bright side, I haven’t given up on running.  My running sched for the rest of the summer is to go twice a week… unless it’s too flipping hot out.  

Mission accomplished for last week.   So far for this week, I’ve only gone once.. but what a glorious run it was.  I had a sleepover at the Good D’s on Tuesday night.  So Wednesday (my day off) I decided to go for my first run ever(!) through Central Park.

I didn’t think I was going to go that far, so I started off at a rather brisk pace.  I should have known better.  5 minutes into my run and I had already made up my mind that I was going to run around the entire park.  But of course being a glutton for pain and punishment, I decided to try and maintain the fast(er) pace that I had already set for myself.

The run felt good (I had a lot of stress to burn off…) But I did almost end up dying.  Stupidly, I waited until the middle of the day (1pm) to start my run.  Right when the sun was at it’s highest and most cancer-giving.  I also hadn’t had anything to drink all morning except coffee.  Hydration is overrated while running in the hot, hot sun.  

By the time I had made it to my cool down power walk, I was seeing stars.  But the thing that really almost made me faint, was when I checked the time on my iPod.  I had ran the entire park (just short of 6 miles) in 50 minutes!  That means I was doing close to 8 minutes miles!  If my grade school self could see me now…

Oh… and as you may or may not have noticed, I did not come up with a N.M.P. for June.  In my head I told myself that finding a new apartment was going to be my N.M.P. for this month.  However, considering how the last two months went… it’s not my official N.M.P.  Just to be safe.

Happy (Belated) B’day Judes!

Whhhaaat? Did someone say birthday?

I like to imagine her birthday cake would be as decadent… to match her hat.

If she looked that well worn at 40…

Imagine what she would have looked like at 86…

I tease because I love. You’re fabulous Judes. At any age.

With a handful of pills… Just the way I like to remember her.

Maybe If Someone Blew Coke Up My Ass With A Straw…

Because the stress of looking for a new apartment isn’t time consuming enough… I’ve also decided that this is the month I’m finally going to finish my one man show.

This week’s goal is to wake up at 7am every morning and try and squeeze in at least one solid hour of writing. The only problem is… I don’t know what I’m writing. I have a handful of characters ready to go, but I need 2-3 new ones on top of that.

This morning I got up at 7am as promised. But instead of writing anything, I spent the entire morning dancing in front of my fan with a scarf, listening to Stevie Nicks. I was trying to inspire a new character. It didn’t work…

Oh, and in case you didn’t know… rumor has it that Stevie got such bad coke nose, she had to hire someone to blow it up her ass with at straw. I love this woman!

Uncle Sam, Sugar Daddy. Me, Clotheshorse.

This spring I was very careful with my money:

1. I didn’t spend my tax refund (not that there was much to be spent…)
2. I didn’t spend the extra paycheck that I got in May.
3. I (almost) didn’t spend any of the money that we won in court from not paying rent to our slum landlord (hello, new iPod!)
4. I set up a savings account.
5. I spent most of my weekends at work or at home being lame (which wasn’t always a conscience decision…)

So last week when the government finally sent me my $600 rebate check, I decided that it was time to get back to being irresponsible with my money. Summer tends to be the most expensive season anyhow, so why not embrace it?

I already had a few items in mind for Uncle Sammy to buy me:
1. New camera.
2. New glasses.
3. New messenger bag.

However, after last week’s $240 spending spree on dress clothes (to wear when the Good Doctor takes me out to wine&dine me…) I knew that not everything on that list was going to make the final cut.

Did I really need new glasses? I mean, I only wear them at night. Why not spend my rebate on stuff that I can wear during the day? Like more clothes!

Last Wednesday (with the Good Doctor in tow) I went H&M to pick out some new summer clothes. 80-some dollars later, I found myself the proud owner of a pair of green bermuda shorts; a pair of dressier, gray checkered shorts; a dark green, jungle print tank top(!); a gray dress shirt; and a pair of sunglasses.

And since I never wear sunglasses, when I found myself wanting to purchase them I knew that it was time to step away from the sales floor and high tail it to the register. It was a sure sign that my sickness had taken over, and I was now buying things just to feed the addiction.

Not helping my addiction was the Good Doctor himself. Saturday afternoon he took me to Barney’s. I had never been before. I now know why. It’s 4 floors of really nice looking things that I can’t afford. I had mentioned that I needed new jeans. And perhaps an overnight bag, since the H&M shopping bag that I had been using when I spend the night at his place wasn’t really catching on with the Hipsters like I thought it might.

Unfortunately, I found both jeans and a bag. The Good D. offered to buy one of them for me, but I (foolishly?) refused. Seeing as he had taken me out for a fancy dinner the night before, and all I did was pay for our $12 breakfast the next morning, it didn’t feel right.

Had I been smart, I only would have bought one thing. But the jeans were on sale, and I fell in love with the bag. Without giving myself enough time to think about what I was doing, I handed my credit card over to the cashier.

Goodbye, messenger bag. Goodbye, camera.

My shopping totals for the past week had maxed out at $600. But before I did this math, I stopped by the American Apparel near Dr. D’s apartment and bought a red tank top. A.) Because it was 94 degrees out, and B.) Because I’ve decided I’m wearing tank tops this summer.

After my Week of Careless Spending, I’ve promised myself that I wouldn’t buy anymore clothes this month. But sadly, I already know that it’s a promise I probably won’t be able to keep.

Today however, to fool myself into thinking that the new clothes were still pouring in, I began cutting up old jeans into shorts. It’s one of my favorite tricks to play on myself this time of year.

Now if only there was a way to make a new digital camera out of the extra scraps of jeans lying on my floor…

My Best Celebrity Sighting To Date!

While standing in line at the Duane Reade in Time Square:

I was buying peanut butter M&M’s before seeing Sunday in the Park with George. She was directly in front of me, buying a pint of strawberry ice cream with her daughter.

It was even better than the time I saw Tammy Littlenut.