DAY 247: VICTORY!!! (Part One)

Before the court room doors were unlocked this morning, I was reminiscing with Jeffrey about one (of the many) times we did not have heat in our apartment this past winter. This particular time, I somehow got stuck with Evil Landlord in our “zen garden” front entry, as we waited for his “repair man” to show up. Evil Landlord was actually talking to me, asking me what I do for a living. When I told him I was in pharmaceuticals he arched his eyebrows and I swear on the Torah, I saw his eyes light up.

Thankfully, such would not be the case today. Instead, it would be Jeffrey and I’s turn to have our pupils replaced with golden dollar signs.

Ever the good defendants, Jeffrey and I showed up nice and early to court. Before we were all ushered into the mad house court room, Jeffrey spotted Schlubby McCracked Tooth (Evil Landlord’s lawyer from last time who told us not to settle.) According to Jeffrey, Schlubby was yelling at some other Hasid, probably telling him his is going to lose his case.

Once in the court room, we got to play the waiting game. Luckily there was an amazing cast of characters surrounding us, keeping us throughly entertained. It was seriously better than any reality TV show I’ve seen… except for the fact that people weren’t getting voted out of the court room. But a few of them almost got kicked out, thanks to my favorite character: No-Nonsense Latina Court Officer. At one point she caught Jeffrey and I talking, and she told us to be quite. Jeffrey mouth, “I’m sorry” to her and she smiled back. I knew she was a total hag.

As the cutoff point for checking in passed by, Jeffrey and I were confused. Schlubby McCracked Tooth never checked in. Did they realize they had no case against us? Did we just win?

After a hushed debate on whether or not we should approach N.N.L.C.O. (No-Nonsense Latina Court Officer), Jeffrey manned up and asked her if anyone had checked in for Evil Landlord. I was worried that N.N.L.C.O. would blow a whistle or slap Jeffrey with a ruler, but instead he won her over with his homosexual charm and she explained to him that the man with long dreadlocks had checked in for our landlord. Say what???

Excuse me for embracing stereotypes for a moment, but if Evil Landlord’s lawyer is going to have any type of long hair, wouldn’t it be two tight curls running down each side of his face?

As the morning turned into afternoon, there was still no sign of this alleged Dreadlocked Lawyer. The packed court room was actually starting to clear out. Were Jeffrey and I being kept until the end because we were so well behaved, and they wanted to get the crazies out first? Was our case even going to be seen today?

Just as I was beginning to think that we were stuck in some sort of purgatory, or a reimagined version of Sartre’s “No Exit,” I heard our names called out from the back of the court room. I turned around to see Dreadlocked Lawyer. He was wearing dark pants and a black t-shirt with a giant gold chain printed on it. You have got to be kidding me…

Dreadlocked Lawyer was motioning for me and Jeffrey to come out into the hallway to presumably try and reach some sort of settlement with us before we went in front of the judge. As I opened the door and stepped out into the hallway, I saw the very last person I expected to see in that court room today: Evil Landlord! I immediately turned around to Jeffrey and whispered through clenched teeth, “Oh god!”

Dun Dun Dunnnnnh!

Tune in tomorrow for Part Two…

(Or if you really can’t wait to get the final outcome, check out Jeffrey’s Blog.)