DAY 134: Win A Date With… Me.

Tonight I was having brewskis with my improv hags Beta and S-Class, both of whom I had e-mailed earlier this week about helping me find dates for the month of February. Beta suggested that I should make it a contest and have a prize for the friend that lands me the most dates. I think Beta brought this up because she knows she’ll win. 1.) Because she has more friends than anyone else I know and 2.) She’s a bigger gay icon than Judy, Babs and the Crypt Keeper combined.

So even though Beta is totally gone win, I’ll still throw it out there: Whoever gets me the most dates wins a (straight) date with me. I’ll take you out to dinner and give you all the gossip and mean spirited things that I couldn’t post on my blog about the guys I dated. Just don’t expect a goodnight kiss. That’s gross.

DAY 133: Blowing My Wad.

Okay, pretty soon this blog is going to be very date-centric. So tonight let me blow my wad of non-date material, and tell you a bunch of random things that I won’t have time to blog about later:

1. My hairdresser cut Christian’s hair. Well, she just buzzed the sides for him. But the point is, her hands have touched both of our heads. I’m fierce by association. And while my hair is much tamer, some mornings when I wake up, I definitely give him a run for his money.

2. The other night I had a nasty run in with a mouse in my room. I woke up at 4am to hear a rustling sound in the garbage bag I had sitting in my room after cleaning out my closet. After staring at the garbage bag for a good 5 minutes, I determined that either the mouse wasn’t in there, or he was far enough in to not get back out if I moved it. As my hand grabbed the top of the bag, Mr. Mouse came scurrying out the top and almost ran over my hand. I screamed and the mouse ran under my bed. I then stood motionless for ten minutes in the middle of my room, broom in hand, waiting for the mouse to run back out from under my bed. If our little mouse can climb into garbage bags and on top of our fridge, what’s to keep him from crawling into bed with me, where I know there are plenty of crumbs.

3. My brother sent me an e-mail about coming to visit me this summer. I like my brother and all, but pretty much the only thing we have in common is our drunken Irish heritage. I’m stressing already.

4. Tonight I remembered why I like taking improv classes better than writing classes. There’s no homework in improv.

5. Tonight as I took out the recycling, one of our many neighborhood bums was standing there, waiting for me to put the recycling down. I might as well just handed him the bag. It probably would have been less awkward.

DAY 132: T.S.F.P. Revealed.

Here’s an e-mail I sent some of my friends early this morning (and yes, I’m one of those people who types in all lowercase letters):

dear fags & hags,

as most of you know, i have a blog. the goal for my blog this year is to work on becoming more boyfriend-friendly. well, i’ve been slacking. so for the month of feb, i’m picking up that slack by forcing myself to go on as many dates as possible. (originally, I was going to try and go on a date every single night for the entire month, but i’ve finally come to terms with that being physically, emotionally and financially impossible.)

so here’s where i need your help… um, do you have any decent gay friend that you can set me up with? i’m already relying on match.com, crazyblinddate.com, and good ol’ craigslist… but i could use your matchmaking skills too.

obviously, i’m going to blog about this. you should probably warn any potential match-ups of that. but don’t worry, i’ve already set a few important ground rules for blogging about my dates:

1. names will be changed.
2. nothing bad will be said about my date. only self deprecating comments about myself are allowed.
3. no blogging about the date rape that will, without a doubt, be taking place.

so ladies, do your best. or your worst, if you want to see me suffer.

here are some important links you might want to give your mens so they can stalk me online first:
my blog: www.bkennedy2411.blogspot.com
my facebook: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=655427401
my myspace: http://www.myspace.com/bkennedy2411

thanks in advance!

xoxo,
brian

So there you have it, my Top Secret February Project has been revealed.

It’s a little anti-climatic, I know. Going on “as many dates as possible” is much less exciting than “going on a date every single day for the entire month,” but cut me some slack, I still want to have a life outside of boys. Plus, I’d be very sad if I had to miss out on my Wednesday night Project Runway parties, the Oscars (even if it’s a stupid “conference” like the G.G. were, you bet your ass I’ll be watching it), or Jeffrey’s bday party extravaganza.

What if I told you my goal number of dates for the month was 21? That’s exciting, right? Right?

Well anyway, if you know anyone I should date, or you yourself are interesting in dating me… please e-mail me. From here on out, I’m just a date-slut who can’t say no.

e-mail: bkenedy2411@gmail.com

DAY 131: To (Sort of) Do List.

I had big plans for a very productive weekend. Friday night I made an ambitious To Do list that I had fully intended on completing before Monday rolled around. Of course, I waited until Sunday to start the list, so naturally, only half of it got done:

TO DO (TODAY)
*Project Runway Recap.
*Laundry
*Put together IKEA dresser^^
*Clean room

TO DO (ANOTHER DAY)
*New shoes
*Blinds
*Target
*Bills
*Work on T.S.F.P. (Top Secret February Project)

^^Interesting sidenote: If you’ve been following my IKEA saga at all, this is the second dresser they’ve sent me. The first was busted… or so I thought. When I put my new one together today, I discovered that I’m just a moron faggot who couldn’t follow the directions closely enough. And since the delivery guys never picked up the other dresser, Jeannie and Adam are getting some new (albeit, a bit scratched) furniture.

DAY 130: Things I Hate.

Today Jeffrey and I had our first day of “Writing for a One Person Show” class.

We did a bunch of stream of consciousness writing exercises. The one that I found the easiest, was (naturally) the one where we had to make a list of all the things that piss us off.

My list included:

*UES girls
*UES boys
*Frat boys
*Frat boys who wear white caps
*Cats
*Spam mail
*Meg Ryan
*People who stop you on the sidewalk ask for “a minute of your time.”
*Slow sidewalk walkers
*Gawkers
*People who stand in front of the subway doors
*The L train
*Girls who think their life is just like “Sex and the City“
*Drunk girls who try to kiss gay guys
*People who talk in baby voices
*Babies

I’m sure I could have come up with a lot more, but I only had a limited amount of time.

DAY 129: Stop Eye Raping Me!

Today is my third day of being a match-dot-com-er, and I have to say, I’m not a big fan of all the “winking” that is going on. Winks are just as gross and creepy in the cyberworld as they are in real life. Also, I don’t like them because they put the ball in my court. You winked at me, and now I have to be the one to put all the effort into composing that first awkward e-mail? Thanks.

Other turns-off, besides winking, include the following:

*The abbreviation “NJ” anywhere in their profile.

*Guys under 30. (I know, I know… I need to start dating guys my own age. But I can’t help it! The only profile pics that make me do a double take are mostly those of the 40+ crowd.)

*Guys with only one photo. How do I know that you’re not really an ugly person who just happened to take one good picture?

*People who’s answer the question “How often do you drink?” is “I don’t drink alcohol.“

*Popped collars. Seriously? Seriously???

*Anyone who uses “hunk” or “stud” in their screen name.

*Anyone who likens themself to a Sex and the City character.

*PEOPLE WHO TYPE IN ALL CAPS.

Of course, that’s not to say that my profile is perfect. I’m sure that people are wondering why I’m not smiling in any of my photos, or why the only thing listed under my “Last Read” is Entertainment Weekly.

But still, at least I’ve never popped my friggin’ collar!!!

DAY 128: Soundtrack To My Life.

I have a little confession to make. I am OBSESSED with this song:

Sad, right?

Not being an Avril fan, I somehow managed to completely block out this song for however many months it’s been released, until I heard it on American Idol the other night. And now I can’t stop listening to it.

It’s one of those songs that I like to play on my iPod when I’m walking around pretending like I’m in a movie, or my own TV show. Today I cued it up and hit play as soon as I emerged from the 8th Ave/23rd St. station. The sun hit my face, Avril came on, and I was a girl on a mission. He’s gonna dump her for me, I just know it!

Yes, I’m lame. And yes, I do this with other songs as well.

When the highly underrated Amerie released Gotta Work, I used to cue it up and start the song as soon as I exited Starbucks. From Starbucks I would walk one block up to work, breeze by all my co-workers without saying good morning, punch in and walk downstairs to my locker.

Eons ago, when I was “dating” my artist friend, the best part about spending the night at his place was riding the elevator down in the morning as I left. As soon as those elevators doors opened I would press the play button on my iPod, and the opening credits for my day would officially begin. Back then I was usually listening to this, this, or if I was feeling really sassy, this.

Wow… the soundtrack to my life is probably the same as that of a teenage girl’s.

DAY 127: Dear IKEA.

Dear IKEA,

Thank you for not having your MALM dresser in stock the first time I went to your store, bought a bunch of shit, and paid a ridiculous shipping fee to have everything delivered to me.

Thank you for charging me another ridiculous shipping fee when I ordered your MALM dresser online.

Thank you for shipping me a busted MALM dresser that took almost three weeks to arrive.

Thank you for making me spend two hours taking apart said busted MALM dresser and boxing it up (like you told me I had to do.)

Thank you for not picking up said busted MALM dresser (like you said you would) when you dropped off my replacement (and hopefully, not busted) MALM dresser. Now I have to try and see if our extremely picky garbage men will dispose of it.

Thank you for giving me a second opportunity to spend three putting together your MALM dresser.

Thanks again,
B. Kennedy

p.s. IKEA, in case you couldn’t tell… I was being sarcastic. But in all honesty, I guess I should thank you for giving me a good excuse to take the day off of work, so I could wait at home for the delivery guys.

DAY 126: Match Anxiety.

Tonight I started my Match.com profile. Ugh.

One of my least favorite things in life is filling out “interest” profiles. From Friendster to MySpace to Facebook… I’m over it. And now to have to do it all over again with a “dating” spin to it? No thanks.

I only got half way through tonight before quittng. I just didn’t have the strength.

Should I be funny?
Should I be myself?
If I’m being myself, doe that mean I’m not funny?
How do I make it sound like I’m not trying so hard?
How do I make it sound like I’m not an alcoholic with a tv and internet addiction?

Not to mention that I found some of the profile questions to be confusingly similar.

For example the first page asked:

*What do you do for fun?
*Favorite local hot spots or travel destinations?
*Favorite things?

Aren’t those all pretty much the same thing? I mean, when I want to have fun, I hang out in my favorite “hot spots” and partake in my “favorite things.” Stupid.

I happened to skip ahead and look at the very last question, which is quite the doozy:

Describe yourself and your perfect match to our community.

My honest, gut-response would be:

“I’m shy. I won’t contact you. You should probably contact me. My only two requirements are that A.) You make me laugh. B.) That you come across as completely non-threating. If we do end up dating please know that I probably won’t have the balls to ever break it off in a mature fashion. Also, I’m very insecure. I will always be second guessing if you really like me or not. Oh yeah, and I have this thing for older men…“

What do you think… Is it gonna score me any winners?

DAY 125: Beyond Depressed: The Best Weekend Of My Life Comes To An End.

Today we left Mary Land:

Now that I’m home I feel beyond depressed. I can’t tell if it’s the party withdrawal or the kitsch withdrawal that’s bringing me down. In all honesty, I think it’s the latter.

As soon as I got home I downloaded The Greatest Hits of Melanie in an attempt to relive the magic I experienced this weekend:

I’ve listened to it all evening, but it’s yet to rekindle any flames.

I seriously feel like I just went through a really bad breakup and I’m totally the injured party who didn’t want the relationship to end.

Right now, I desperately need to find a reason to go on. I should probably just throw myself into my “Top Secret February Project,” but I’m starting to get cold feet. The thought of going back to work tomorrow makes me want to take my own life. And on top off all that, I have to disassemble my busted up IKEA dresser and somehow find a box big enough to fit the bitch in by Wednesday.

But no matter how bad I feel right now, I just have to keep reminding myself: At least there’s not a hole in my ceiling from water damage, like the one that Jeffrey found in his room when we came home today:

I never thought these words would come out of my mouth, but I’d rather be in Pennsylvania right now.