My first resolution for 2009 is to stop blogging. In case you haven’t heard, personal blogging is dead. These days it’s all about the Twittering and the Facebook Status Updating. My breed, is a dying breed. But I’m okay with that. With all the resolutions I’ve made for ‘09, I’m gonna be plenty busy…
RESOLUTIONS FOR 2009
1. Stop blogging.
2. Take a writing class.
3. Write a screenplay.
4. Write a TV pilot.
5. Perform my one-woman show.
6. Get career counseling.
7. Quit working at the pharmacy.
8. Spend less time on the internet.
9. Watch less TV.
10. Get my grill fixed.
Thanks to all my loyal readers for loyally reading all these years. I’ll miss you!
Because my opinion matter greatly to all of you… My “Top 3″ lists for 2008.
TOP MUSIC
1. Robyn, Robyn
2. Rockferry, Duffy
3. Kala, M.I.A. Runner’s Up: Shine, Estelle Santogold, Santogold 19, Adele
TOP THEATER/DANCE
1. The Cripple of Inishmaan, Atlantic Theater
2. Fraulein Maria, Joe’s Pub
3. Gypsy, St. James Theater Runner’s Up: Sunday in the Park With George South Pacific Raul Esparza in Speed the Plow.
TOP MOVIES
1. Happy-Go-Lucky
2. Vicky Cristina Barcelona
3. The Dark Knight Runner’s Up: American Teen Rachel Getting Married Momma Mia– Actually the WORST movie of the year… but I feel with enough alcohol, it could be one of those movies that’s so bad, it’s good to watch (drunk.)
1. Best. Present. Ever.
I don’t mean to pit my friends and family against each other, or upset anyone who was kind enough to buy me a much appreciated Christmas present this year… but if I’m being honest, there was one gift that stood miles above the rest. My boyfriend (the best boyfriend ever– yes, I have to say that now) bought us tickets to see the one-night-only, star-studded concert reading of A Little Night Music at the Roundabout. It’s in my Top 3 of favorite Sondheim musicals (right next to Merrily and Company), and it’s the only one I’ve never seen on stage. I’m already getting goosebumps just thinking about it!
2. Worst. Present. Ever.
The chicken enchilada that was served to me when I clearly ordered the cheese. I had my first bite of poultry in over a year. Thank god for the giant margarita sitting next to me. The alcohol burned the taste of chicken right off of my taste buds!
3. A Crown Heights Christmas!
Last week Lady R. came over to the ghetto the heights to help Jeannie, A.Rod and myself make cookies. Results below… Pre-frosting: A woman’s work is never done: The model-esque Lady R. (now parting her hair to the right): Lady R’s gluten-free cookie mush: Jeannie and the Xmas Tree: The finished product: All photos courtesy of A.Rod:
4. Air Un-Fair.
Part of my dad’s Xmas present was supposed to be a bottle of red wine, made locally in Long Island. While packing, I thought I was being smart by putting the wine in my carry-on. I wanted to be sure that my dad would be able to enjoy the wine, instead of having it break, and therefore staining all of the clothes in my suitcase. As if I haven’t flown on an airplane a dozen time since 9/11. As soon as my man-purse came out the other end of the x-ray machine, I was pulled aside an told that my “bottle of liquid” would have to be checked in or confiscated. Not wanting to buy a new suitcase on top of paying the additional fee for checking two bags… I said goodbye to the bottle of wine and shot the airport employee a dirty look. So as my dad enjoyed the much cheaper replacement wine bought at “Chet’s Liquor Store” off of Highway 13, I’m sure some employee of the LaGuardia Airport was enjoying his bottle. Happy Holidays, indeed.
5. Grandmothers Say the Darndest Things, Part I.
God bless grandmothers. Mine are finally becoming the crazy old biddies that all elderly people have the right to turn into once they reach a certain age. My mom’s mom (G.P.) is in the stage where she’ll just sit there any ask you the same questions over and over, oblivious to the fact that you gave her the answer not two seconds ago. This Christmas, her top three inquires were: 1.) What are you doing out in New York? 2.) When do you leave? And 3.) Who’s stocking is that hanging on the end of the mantle? And as if I didn’t hate repeating over and over again, “Yes, I’m still working at the pharmacy…” G.P. would also throw in the occasional “Why don’t you just get your degree in that?” Bah-humbug.
6. Grandmothers Say the Darndest Things, Part II.
While G.P. belittled me repeatedly, G.K. (my dad’s mom) slept soundly in her chair. Thinking it was safe, I sat next to her for awhile…. which worked out just fine, until she woke and gave me the play-by-play of how my grandfather died. Way to kill my steady holiday beer buzz grandma. My wish was granted when she finally changed the subject, however, the relief was short lived. G.K. then went into a 20 minute diatribe about her days as a working girl (not that kind!) It’s not that I don’t enjoy hearing about the history and hardships of my grandparents. But when grandma is still half asleep and talking in a whisper, it makes the story a little less enthralling.
7. Seven Pounds.
No, I am not referring to Will Smith’s latest Crap-fest. I’m talking about the amount of weight I’ve put on in the past week thanks to all of the cookies I’ve consumed. Okay, cookies and beer. Seriously, I’m going to need to start the new year out at a detox center. Preferably one that doesn’t resemble this:
While most people do their day-after-Christmas-shopping at department stores, hoping for slashed prices on coffee makers and vacuum accessories… I hit up my favorite thrift stores, hoping for slashed prices on porcelain reindeer and Hannah Montana Christmas cards.
Okay, so I actually didn’t buy any 75%-off Christmas crap. In fact, believe it or not, I hardly bought anything. Normally when I visit MN, I arrive with one suitcase and leave with two. (The second being entirely filled with kitsch.)
However this year, thanks to the economic crisis and the fact that airlines are raping my wallet even more by charging for each suitcase that is checked (thank god a pressurized cabin is still free!), I’m cutting down on the kitsch. Single tear, I know.
I’m sad to report that I passed on a lot of great items that I normally would have snatched up. (The homoerotic Ken dolls; the Crystal Gayle records; the crazy-eyed, light-up Easter bunny…)
Instead, I stuck to the items that really spoke to me:
Praying Boy, $3.80
Perhaps it was my Catholic guilt that made me buy him, but I thought he’d look good in my bedroom. That way, at least someone is trying to save my soul as I lay me down to sleep at night.
Naked Girl Brushing Hair (Framed), $3.99
This is totally going up in my bathroom. In fact, it might as well be a mirror, because that’s exactly how I brush my hair in the morning too.
Green Vintage Women’s(?) Handbag, $2.99
Because I’m always looking for ways to make myself look gay-er.
I still have 4 days left here in MN, and a lot of free time on my hands. But I’m going to try and refrain from any more thrifting. Instead, I’m just gonna lock myself in my old bedroom and brake out into a cold sweat from thinking about that vase made entirely of ashtrays that I left behind on the shelf at the Salvation Army.
1. Oh Jakey…
…what have they done to your hair?
I guess I’ll have to advert my eyes from your mangy, greasy rocker hair by staring at your beefy chest/rock hard abs/ripped arms instead.
Note to the movie producers: While it is okay to keep Jakey shirtless for your entire movie (it is hot in the desert after all), you must do something about that hair! I suggest a trim and some V05 Hot Oil.
And if you’re taking requests, how bout throwing us a hot, man-on-Jake, nude love scene as well? The Egyptians where down with the gays, right?
2. Clive!
Just so my beloved Clive doesn’t just jealous… Here’s his new trailer:
There better be some gay love-making in this one as well.
3. One More Thing For My Xmas List.
The Roundabout’s One-Night-Only-Benefit-Performance of A Little Night Music starring: Christine Baranski, Laura Benanti, Victor Garber, Natasha Richardson, Vanessa Redgrave, and some other theater-only actors that all you hardcore broadway geeks would know. The cheap seats ($150) are already sold out, so you’ll have to upgrade me to the $250 seats. Unless you really love me and you want me to be able to go to the reception. Those tickets cost you $1,000. But really, can you put a price on my happiness?
3.5. The List Gets Longer.
Okay, okay… if you really can’t afford it, then you can just buy me tickets to see M.L.P. in the Roundabout’s production of Hedda Gabler, opening next month.
1. Xmas Shopping (For Others.)
Usually, I save all my Xmas shopping until the very last minute. And then, when I do finally start, I’m just buying things for myself. This year, I am proud to say that I set a new precedent. On Wednesday I went on a six-hour shopping spree and only bought presents for other people. I was able to cross off about half on my list. (And that made the O.C.D. part of my brain very happy.) Afterward, I partook in my favorite post-shopping activity: drinking. Beer helps to dull the mind and stop you from thinking about how much money you just put on your credit card.
2. Xmas Shopping (For Myself.)
After all that shopping for others, I decided to reward myself this weekend by shopping for me. I know this is horrible to say, but I for one don’t mind that the economy is in the shitter right now… because as a result, there are some really great sales out there! Seriously people, in the spirit of turning lemons in to lemonade, you can turn this economic crisis into a fabulous shopping spree. Under the guidance of my Fashionista-BF, I got a poofy winter jacket, a new raincoat and a multicolored stripped jersey pullover, all half-off at Triple 5 Soul. Then, because with my BF, once you shop you can’t stop… we made our way over to some SoHo sample sale where I got a lovely stripped cardigan, another stripe-y jersey pullover (stripes are in this year, you heard it here first) and a plaid dress shirt all at 70% off. Grand total spent: $321.06. Grand total saved: $375.57. I could feel bad about all the money shelled out, but I’ve decided that when you save more then spend, there should be no guilt involved.
3. Proof I’ve Been Spending Too Much.
Even though I’ve been dropping it like it is hot lately, I still look to cut even the smallest of corners whenever possible. One way I do this is by purchasing theater tickets at the box office instead of online. That way, I don’t have to pay the $5 processing fee that it apparently cost the theater to cover it’s internet bill.
After spending the majority of my Friday indoors (writing, interneting, and worrying about the state of my mental health…) I got off my ass, went for a run, and cleaned myself up real nice. By the time I got down to 42nd Street to pick up tickets (for The Cripple of Inishmaan), I was feeling pretty good. Helping my mood elevation, was the flirty box office attendant. Just as I was telling myself “You’ve still got it, Kiddo!” Flirty McGee told me that my credit card had declined. Jigga, what? I put the tickets on my debt card and made a hostile phone call to my credit company.
Turns out that they were just implementing a little credit card fraud protection, due to all the recent online transactions that had popped up on my bill. I wanted to explain to them it was the holidays, and that yes, people do tend to spend more money around this time of year. However, seeing as my phone call was outsourced to India, I saved my breath and confirmed that yes indeed, I really did spend all that money on iTunes updating my Christmas music.
4. But Baby, It’s Cold Outside.
I went for my first winter run this week. It wasn’t too bad thanks to the Spiderman pants that MD-BF bought for me after I finished the dreaded Master Cleanse:
My Spidey senses were tingling in a good way, and not from hypothermia!
5. Movie Recommendation. Happy-Go-Lucky.
Besides Sally Hawkins being totally adorable, I highly recommend this movie because it made me feel slightly less insecure about the fact that I’m almost 30 and I’ve accomplished absolutely nothing in terms of being “successful.” It reminded me that it’s okay to have fun and just enjoy life. And also, that I’m very lucky to have the freedom to do so. Sigh. It’s worth $12 to feel that way for 90 minutes, right?
6. TV Recommendation. Dancing With Dogs on Animal Planet.
Seriously, this show is the shit. It’s just like Best In Show. Only real. And with dancing.
7. Top Chef.
I’m making this prediction in the hopes that I’m proven wrong, but it seems to me that Final Three is destined to be:
All of the other chefs are being pretty much ignored by the editors so far this season. Seriously, can you name (or even picture any) of the other contestants? They only ones that stick out in my head are because of some quirky personality trait they posses, and not because of their cooking skills…
Big Time Dyke:
Wacky Hair Lady:
Jersey Mom:
Okay, to be fair to Jersey Mom, her (sucky) cooking skills also make her stand out.
Sorry I haven’t posted in awhile. Too busy stressing out about the holidays already. I promise to update again this weekend. Until then, please enjoy my favorite Christmas song:
Funny, she’s wearing the exact same outfit that I wear every year on Christmas Day.
